Forgetting the Alphabet

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know I was supposed to write about the heat in the Top Chef kitchen, but I've been distracted. For one, SAG is threatening a strike. I -- I can't even begin to go into the foolishness of all this. You may recall that I buried my head in the sand on this matter long, long ago. Besides, my dear friend joy posted a far more eloquent rant at her far more esteemed blog, joymagnetism. I think I could only manage a series of sputters, which doesn't really translate to print very well.

What I can articulate, however, is my fiery anger at ABC for canceling one of the quirkiest, most creative shows on network television, Pushing Daisies. If you've never seen Pushing Daisies, well, then I blame you. Okay, okay. That's not fair. Well, not completely fair. Pushing Daisies is a delightful, whimsical tale of a young man who can bring the dead back to life, but only for 60 seconds, else something or someone else nearby dies in its place. He's also brought back to life his murdered childhood sweetheart, but can't touch her again, lest she die permanently. Sounds creepy. But in the hands of Bryan Fuller (who dealt with death so humorously and stunningly in the late lamented Dead Like Me), what could be fluff and tritely disturbing nonsense, is actually a colorful (literally and figuratively), giddy hour of fun featuring a foursome of detectives solving mysterious murders, as well as a rib-tickling duo of eccentric, retired-mermaid, spinster aunts. Yes, you read that right.

Don't you wish you'd been watching? Yeah, I know you do.

But, alas, it's too late. Because ABC (whom I normally laud for its non-traditional choice of dramas and comedy-drama hybrids) decided to pull the plug, as it were, on this wonderful romp. Ratings, they say. And, to be fair, ABC has enough hits to buoy it. For now.

Yes, Lost is returning in January, a return I'm eagerly awaiting, especially now that there's an end date which has really focused the writing. Ugly Betty is still holding strong, as is ABC's Sunday night line-up. But let's face it, just how long are Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice going to hold up? By all accounts (and that's all I have to go on since I don't watch either), both shows have dipped in quality so far that they're pretty much irredeemable. So what does ABC have left? Life on Mars? Heh. Spare me.

Not only did they scrap Pushing Daisies, they got rid of fellow critical darling Eli Stone and Dirty Sexy Money.

I called it. I knew the changes would doom Dirty Sexy Money to the trash heap. The network called for the drastic change in tone, demanding something soapier. What they got was soap scum. So good riddance to that. However, Eli Stone is a different story. I've only seen a few episodes of Eli Stone, but I've heard nothing but praise for it.

So what's the deal ABC? Why cancel these shows when you've got nothing lined up and when you have shows that are inarguably flagging in quality, if not ratings? In a season blighted by a drought of new, quality pilots due to the strike [*shakes fists at SAG*], you've chosen to do away with shows that may not have the audience, but definitely have the promise.

This was the perfect time for the Alphabet to show its commitment to excellence. Instead, it's shown nothing but a slavery to idiotic programming decisions.

So, my darlings, what do you think? Am I off-base, here? Letting my love of a show cloud my judgment? Weigh in on ABC's decision.

The Emmys

Huh. Surprisingly, I have nothing to say about the upcoming Emmys -- or, rather, the nominees. Of course, I'll be watching; I love awards shows. Always and forever. But I've decided to stop hoping for anything other than the same ol' stuff. There are never any surprise wins, all the speeches are pretty run of the mill, and even the red carpet just seems like a been-there-done-that obligation for most of the nominees.

The fact is that no one's fooling themselves anymore. The Emmys aren't about rewarding excellence or innovation in the television arts. It's about the Academy telling themselves that they are. And that just goes against everything I love about the entertainment industry.

I'm not naive. I know the old chestnut: "It's show business." But it's a creative business. Most other industries strive for and reward innovation and change. Indeed, the science half of the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences seems to be doing pretty well in this vein. Why is it that the arts side is not only content to churn out more of the same, but actually heaps praise on those who stay on the hamster wheel?

And that's just what the Emmy has become. A big nut cluster treat for the most dogged hamsters.

So I'll watch, as I always do, I'll simulpost to the extent that the shifty wireless coverage in my neighborhood allows, and I'll resign myself to yet another win by Tony Shaloub.

Zachary Morris, Esq.

Not that I left any room for doubt about my intentions, but... I watched Raising the Bar last night. And, good lord on a graham cracker it was terrible. Just abominable.

It should be called Raising the Barf since all of Mark-Paul Gosselaar's pontificating made my gorge rise. (FYI: Holier-than-thou grandstanding is only palatable coming from Jack McCoy.) Earnestly wanting to defend your clients doesn't give you carte blanche to be a douchebag to everyone. I was prompted to answer Zack's oft-promo'd question: "Yes, I am gonna hit a lawyer."

Or perhaps Raising the Soap Bar since Zack looks like he needs a bath throughout the episode -- even after he's just bathed. (Incidentally, I can't remember the character's actual name, which doesn't matter because I'd call him "Zack" no matter what.)

Or maybe Raising the Gay Bar due to the only real surprising element of the pilot. I immediately pegged the judge's clerk as gay. And then he's making out with Jane Kaczmereck. Wha? But then he actually is gay. Dude. It's one thing to be in the closet. It's a completely other thing to sex up your boss just to soften her towards your best friend with whom you're clearly actually in love. I mean, it's so soap operatic that you just have to love it.

My point being this: The pilot was so bad, that I was driven to punny alternative titles just to amuse myself.

That said, I'm still going to watch because, whatever, I'll follow Zack Morris to the cheesiest ends of the earth. Plus, it's my policy to give all shows 3-5 episodes to find their footing. And, finally, Stephen Bochco is infamous for pushing the envelope. And by "pushing the envelope," I mean "there's naked man ass in our future."

When It Rains...

I'm not entirely sure where to begin. Just last week, I was kvetching about a lack of material on which to comment. Now there suddenly seems to be a great deal going on.

Let's start off with Christina Applegate who recently underwent a pre-emptive double mastectomy in her battle against breast cancer. I've always been a fan of Ms. Applegate. She's an incredible actress, and she just seems like a swell lady. I wish her nothing but the best.

Then, there's been some talk about a possible Veronica Mars movie. I huffed awhile back regarding chatter about a Friends film and I blasted the idea of a Sex and the City sequel. Honestly, I'm sort of on the fence about a VM movie. I loved the show, but I have reservations, natch.

First, I'm not sure its cult hit, sassy charm would translate to the big screen. The series relied on a season-long mystery, as well as the smaller mysteries-of-the-week. A movie of 90+ minutes would have to deviate from that formula and could just flounder. Secondly, the series ended rather shoddily, and I think it might be best to just leave it be.

On the other hand, there had been talk about a leaping forward several years in the future for a VM spin-off, but the pilot landed with a thud. Perhaps, it could be parlayed into a VM franchise. From what I've read, the project is in production. Honestly, though, the fans I've been in touch with are rather miffed with Rob Thomas, so I'm not sure the film would be received as warmly as he might think.

And, finally, ABC's foreign formats memo. I haven't seen much written about this outside of the blog to which I've linked. Seems pretty straight-forward and not terribly incendiary to me. Mind you, I'm not an attorney, but I've acquired a bit of knowledge from the ones for whom I work. My understanding is that there's nothing illegal about what the studio lays out here. An idea is not protectable; only the fruits of that idea (characters, storylines, locations, etc.) are. So the practice is borderline at worst. Should the memo have been leaked? Probably not. It makes ABC Studios look shady to a layperson. But it's nothing to cause a furor about. Again: Not a lawyer here.

That all came to my attention a couple of days ago. Perhaps the summer wasn't a total bust, after all. Or, even better, this all foreshadows an exciting fall to come!

Brain Hiatus

Y'know, I started this blog because 99% of the time I have something smart alecky and/or insightful to say about what happens on television. Admittedly, that percentage dips to, let's say, 80% of the time when you expand to the entertainment industry in general, but still. But here's the thing: This summer has been supremely boring.

I came in to this thing assuming I'd be posting everyday. But it seems as though Hollywood has taken a summer vacation away from crazy. (Yeah, yeah. I know Shia LaBeouf's dangling his toes in the deep end, but I really couldn't care less about him.) And summer television's been boring.

So You Think You Can Dance? Not as good as last season, in my opinion. Project Runway? The contestants are too aware of being on-camera at all times and have, therefore, spent these first three episodes mugging and tossing out what they think are witticisms like breadcrumbs to lure that pigeon of screen time. Swingtown? Good, but not long for this world. And Mad Men? Too good to be snarked on. Besides, it just started. Even my beloved Kathy Griffin seems to have lost her luster.

Yes, the summer hasn't been particularly noteworthy. But I am very much looking forward to the coming fall season. Some pilots have been "leaked" to the internets, and I can resist their siren call for only so long. And now the teasers and print ads for returning shows have appeared, ramping up my excitement. I unabashedly squealed -- on the train! -- when I saw a print ad for Heroes and sniffled a little when I realized that Pushing Daisies returns in October, not September.

I've never been a boy of summer, anyway. So I'm just biding my time till the new season begins.

Someone Thought of the Children!

In today's "News I Really Need to Stop Caring About," Britney Spears and Kevin Federline's drawn out custody battle is over. Kevin Federline has sole custody, and Britney gets two visitation days a week, with one overnight.

We live in a world where Kevin Federline is a fit parent. Just let that soak in for a bit.

Okay... While I think this is for the best, I am a little sad for Britney. Her life recently has been rough. Yes, it's her own fault, but I still feel for her.

Here's hoping she gets back on track.

Let the Snip(p)ing Begin!

Ah... Project Runway... How I have missed thee!

Let's skip the obligatory "I love Tim Gunn " exclamations. Because they go without saying.* Especially when he give us his comments on this year's crop of designers.

So far, I've got nothing much to add. I like to wait till the second episode, mostly because I can't keep anyone straight.

However, Suede? Needs cut off the fauxhawk. I am DONE with the fauxhawk. I never liked it to begin with, and now they're EVERYWHERE. For no other reason than the fauxhwk, Suede is at the bottom of the pile.


*Mr. Gunn, if you're reading, I make excellent martinis and even better conversation. Email me!

UPDATE: My fauxhawk hate has not failed me. Suede is, in fact, a tool.

I'm Gonna Need Another Cosmo or Four

Okay, so Sarah Jessica Parker apparently reads my blog and is now intent on torturing me. A sequel to the Sex and the City movie is in early develpment. Touché, Silver. Touché.

The One Where They Gratuitously Reune

So, thanks to the success of the Sex and the City movie, there's talk of a big screen Friends flick. Do we really need this? The answer, in case you're hesitating, is "no."

I mean, I figured that we'd get some sort of reunion at some point. TV viewers love a "Where are they now?" program. (And by "viewers," I mean me.) I just feel like there's this faux-stalgia for late '90s/early '00s programming. People seem to think (erroneously, if you ask me) that 2005-ish marked the end of good television. And they're ready to eat up anything that hearkens back to that golden age. Thus, you get Sarah Jessica Parker's horse face blown up to ten feet on the wide screen. (Oh, yeah. I went there. I just don't understand why people think she's pretty. Sue me, Parker. Go ahead. I dare you.)

In any event, I know they're going to make the movie. I think it's pointless, but whatevs.

And, really, who am I kidding? I'm gonna shell out $10.75 to see it just like all the other schmucks.

Even MORE "Saved by the Bell"!!!

I don't think I have the energy to even think about the possibility of a SAG strike (since I've just spent the past month convincing others that there's no way that would happen) or to discuss the further changes to the Dirty Sexy Money landscape. Instead, I will squee about Raising the Bar.

Yeah, I know. It's yet another legal drama. But this one has two Saved by the Bell alums: Mark-Paul Gosselaar and Natalia Cigliuti. Obviously, MPG was the one and only Zack Morris on original recipe SBTB. NC played Lindsay, SBTB: The New Class's answer to Kelly. (And if you count the return of Zack's The College Years-style long locks, then that's one more former SBTB star.)

My excitement level is unnatural, mostly because I pretty much have no idea what this show's about. Something about former law school classmates? Or something? The cast is pretty awesome, though. Gloria Ruben? Jane Kaczmarek? I'm there already.

Emmy Finalists

In an attempt to out-scoop the scoopers, the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences released their list of the top ten Emmy finalists for drama and comedy on their website today. (It's dated July 26, 2008. Actually, it's dated WAY in the future, 20008, to be exact.) This is the list, presumably, from which the five nominees will be chosen.

I'm super in love with this list. There are a few shows I haven't seen but that I've heard are amazing. And, hey, that's what DVDs are for, right?

My one question, though, is "How the frak does Two and a Half Men keep getting nominated?" For serious. I've watched it a couple of times and have, at most, chuckled half-heartedly here and there. Charlie Sheen must be giving up the goods or something. I really just don't get it.

It's how I felt about Everybody Loves Raymond. I've seen Ray Romano's stand-up. Funny. Everybody Loves Raymond? Not funny. But every single year, it was nominated. And didn't Patricia Heaton win every year? Gah!

You know what, Charlie? I apologize. It's not you. Obviously, it's Les Moonves who's peddling his wares in exchange for some recognition for CBS. What, Les? Having CSI be the most watched drama on TV's not enough?

Coldplay Can Go Blow

You know what I hate? Something being forced down my throat. Coldplay could be the most awesome band in all of existence. But I don't care. Between that commercial, The Daily Show and, now, the Today show, I'm done with them. Fuck you, Coldplay.

But I want to marry their agent. That person is clearly an evil genius.

Not Tonight, Honey

I just saw an ad for Valtrex which was immediately followed by one for Levitra.

It would have made more sense the other way 'round.

Slater Rulz, Zack Droolz

Mario Lopez (who will forever be A.C. Slater to my generation) has been named People magazine's Hottest Bachelor. I would take these lists more seriously if People didn't release, like, 271 rankings a year. But that's beside the point.

I saw an interview with Lopez on Today this morning and was just amused. Well, when I wasn't enthralled with all the shirtless pics. You'd think I'd be used to him shirtless, having seen him in the Greg Louganis biopic. He's in Speedos for, I'd say, a third of the movie. And he was very often in revealing wrestling uniforms and (oddly) shirtless in many a Saved by the Bell episode. (I say "odd" since the show was directed toward pre-teens.)

In any event, what captivated me was the nude photo. But not for the expected reasons. First, there was the bear skin rug. Strike one. You can't take anything that includes a bear skin rug seriously. I mean, it's the ultimate symbol for cheesiness. Then, there's Lopez's expression. You can tell he was going for easy-going, but he really just looked uncomfortable. Maybe that's because he was posing with his hand tucked into his nethers. It just seems like an odd choice for hiding A.C. [Because I imagine he's named his junk A.C. I would if I were him.] But the best part was that, aired on Today, his crotch was pixelated. Really? Was the hand too suggestive? Because, I mean, it's a photo in People, not Inches. And if they thought it was that racy, then why show it in the first place? Morning television baffles me sometimes.

So, anyway, congratulations (or whatever) to Mario Lopez. Way to be hot and single. Do you think that in some alternate universe, Slater is also People's Hottest Bachelor and Kelly, nursing her fifth rugrat, is kicking herself for marrying Zack who's kind of let himself go and whose boyish charm is no longer as charming? I'm probably the only person who wonders these things.

Update: I recently learned that the photo was a re-creation of the iconic Burt Reynolds spread.

And the Shutty Goes To...

I know that we, as Americans, are overrun with awards and awards shows. But I think it's time to add one more: The STFU Awards, or the Shutty. This distinction goes to, basically, whomever is annoying me at the moment. The recipient will then have to refrain from talking to the media or risk my ire. (Yes, I know I have no real power. But leave me my delusions, huh?)

The first honoree is Marky Mark for bad-mouthing George Clooney. In explaining his decision to turn down Matt Damon's role in Ocean's Eleven, he claims he just didn't feel like "sitting with Brad [Pitt] and George, telling the press how great everybody is! That's not for me." Yes, Marky, I can see that being sweet and gracious (if a little over-the-top with the buddy routine) is not your bag. And, yeah, I know that you haven't been Marky Mark for awhile, but until you shape up, I won't be calling you by your given name.

Second on the list is PETA. I pretty much hate everything that PETA does because I can't stand smugness, and a lot of their "facts" are, frankly, not actual facts. But picking on poor, dimwitted Jessica Simpson is just low. It's almost like making fun of a five-year-old. Plus, I kind of thought her "Real Girls Eat Meat" tee was precious. I am a fan of tees even though they're so 2001.

Oh, also. This?

4. Meat will make you fat. All the saturated fat and cholesterol in chicken wings, pork chops, and steak eventually leads to flabby thighs and love handles. I hope the upcoming "Jessica Simpson's Intimates" line comes in plus sizes! Going vegetarian is the best way to get slim and stay that way.

Classy. I'm glad to know that PETA is also obsessed with body image.

Katie Heigl? You just barely escaped receiving a Shutty, but only because I just thought of them this morning. Lucky, lucky you.

But just so you don't think I'm a total Negative Nelly. (For the record, I'm just a nelly.) I'll hand out a You Done Good Award. Tom Colicchio gets it. I just spent about an hour clicking links to interviews with Chef Tom. I won't link to all of them, only his blog. He's developed such a fun, affable TV persona over the years, and I appreciate that. So, Chef Tom? You done good!

(Okay, I lied. I really have to link to this Grub Street interview because his wife makes a filthy comment, which made Tom blush. And made me want to hang out with her and a pitcher of martinis.)

Andy Cohen

Okay. So here's my thing about Andy Cohen.

First of all, you need to know that I think he's hot.

However! He's all over everything. Look, dude. You're an executive. Do your job. Make shows. I don't need to see you on TV. I don't care how hot you are.

And the fact that he wears all of his shirts open? Showing every last chest hair?

Like I said, I think the man is attractive. I welcome seeing his chest hair. I LOVE chest hair. But he just throws that shit around like it's the second coming of Christ. And I believe that if Jesus really exists and is coming back, he's not going to flash his chsesticles like that. I'm just sayin'.

So, Andy Cohen, call me. We'll have dinner. Maybe a little slap and tickle. But don't promote your shows like a fucking "Price Is Right" showgirl.

How Gay Is That?

For this, my inaugural post, I've decided to discuss my favorite topic: The Gays.

I recently came upon a post on Past Deadline* about gay-friendly companies. (Here's the full report, if you're interested.) Bravo is, apparently, the gay-friendliest. You won't hear any arguments from me on that one. And I'll save my rant about programming veep Andy Cohen for a later date.

What did surprise me, however, was the absence of ABC/Disney. From daytime to primetime, ABC is chock full of gay, lesbian and transgender characters. And Disney, evil corporation though it may be, is the most overtly homo-happy company there is. If I were to have taken that poll, Disney would have been the first name to trip from my tongue.

So, really, it seems to me that Bravo has been promoting itself pretty hard. (As opposed to Disney stepping back a bit.) No doubt, Andy "Chest Hair Forward" Cohen had something to do with that. But, again, that's another post for another time.

*If you don't know about Past Deadline, I suggest you familiarize yourself with it right quick. Unfortunately, Ray Richmond doesn't post as much as he used to, but when he does, it's hilarious and insightful. Barry Garron is pretty entertaining, as well, but Ray really is the king.