My Will and My Life

Step Three: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God 

In my last post, I introduced my concept of God as the Universal Body. I hope that it stuck with you because I’m going to refer to "God" and the "Body" a lot moving forward.

At any rate, when I look at God and my relationship to God, I can finally move past the intellectual quandary of trying to parse out how an unconscious being can have a will. Every being, conscious or not, has a will to live. Since I am part of a larger being, my welfare contributes to the welfare of that being, just as the welfare of the cells of my body contribute to my overall welfare.

I believe that God’s will is for us to delight in and to honor ourselves and each other.

When I talk about turning over my will and my life, I am saying that I recognize that my will and my life are not entirely my own. Every decision and action has an effect on the Body. This is not a new revelation for me, and it’s certainly not an original insight, but it is one I must remind myself of daily because it’s a difficult revelation to actually act out of.

So, with everything I do, I have to say to myself, “Peter, is this solely for you? Is this going to benefit the Body? What are your motives here?” Often, I forget and just react. But, as I grow spiritually, I am increasingly able to stop myself and evaluate what I’m doing and why.

Over the past several months, I’ve battled with myself, worrying that I was being selfish in some of my decisions. The most recent decision to leave the program I was in is a prime example. I do believe that sometimes we act selfishly and to the detriment of others. However, there are some actions that seem selfish, but are really about self-preservation. And it is imperative that we take care of ourselves first because self-survival ultimately contributes to the health of the Body.

I composed the following prayer for myself. It reminds me that, although I am driven by the greater will of God, it’s not because I’m an insignificant pawn. Quite the opposite. It’s because I am valuable.
 

I am new. I am growing.

I am special. I have value.

I am ready to take on life.

I am not a passive victim; I’m an active participant.

I create life. I affect other people.

I have an impact on the universe.

Turning over my will and my life isn’t about deleting myself and my perspective. No, it’s about embracing my role in the universe and wholeheartedly doing my part, no matter how seemingly small, to keep it all spinning.

 

Every Good Work

I’m eager to continue discussing the steps, but first, I’d like to share something about myself which may enlighten you on how I’ve gotten to the place in which I find myself. By that, I do mean going through Recovery, but I also mean my current faith journey.

One of our weekly outings is to Celebrate Recovery, an overtly Christian off-shoot of AA/NA. Each week, in the smaller discussion groups, we are asked to state what we struggle with. A common response is “alcohol” or “meth” or “cocaine”. I state, honestly, that the substance I have a problem with is alcohol, but that my real struggle has been with my sense of self-worth.

I don’t really know where my low self-esteem came from. I’ve always had support: from my parents, from teachers, from friends. As an adult, my employers have always loved me, and I’ve advanced quickly in every organization I’ve been a part of.

But there’s always been that sense that nothing was good enough.

Now, I’ve always felt like an other. I’m left-handed, a fact of which I am almost disturbingly proud. I’m usually one of only a few black people in a room. Sometimes, I’m the only one. I was deemed “talented and gifted,” which set me apart, as well. And, I was the only out gay student in my high school. (Though, in all fairness, I had an incredibly easy time of it, with relatively few bumps in the road.)

Suffice it to say, I’m unique. And perhaps that fact was a painful one for me, even while I tried to celebrate my uniqueness. In my mind, being unique didn’t mean that I was special; it meant that there was something off. Have you ever completed an assignment or project in less time than the time allotted and were convinced that that meant you’d done the whole thing wrong? That’s how I feel almost every day of my life.

That feeling of wrongness has been the motivation for a lot of bad, as well as for a lot of good. In trying to set right what was wrong in me, I very quickly grew into a perfectionist. A deeper understanding of perfectionism reveals that, when given a project, the perfectionist will either work diligently to exceed standards, or he will simply not perform at all, for fear of not being able to achieve excellence. Anyone who knows me will recognize the accuracy of that description.

Furthermore, because I feel inadequate, I constantly seek the approval of others. This drive has manifested as a deep desire to help people, good manners and etiquette, excellent grades, a superior education, and (what started as) a promising career in arts and entertainment. The downside has presented itself in unhealthy relationships (both romantic and platonic), increasing alcohol abuse, and half-hearted suicide attempts, the last of these usually being subconscious attempts to overdose on alcohol. Many times, I hoped that I’d just pass out and never wake up.

Today, however, in my spiritual journey, I am accepting the value that I have in this universe -- which keeps me pressing towards the constructive and moving away from the destructive. I was inspired by Psalm 34:12: “Who is the man who delights in life, loving a long life to enjoy what is good?” The psalm goes on to talk about righteousness, but I was stuck on “what is good”. I understand “what is good” to mean “what is good in God,” the works which God has done. The first thing I always think of is the wonder of nature. Yet, am I not part of nature? Am I not one of God’s good works? Aren’t we all?

We don’t honor God’s work by destroying it. Not only was I killing myself with alcohol, but I was killing myself with my words and my thoughts. Both were dishonoring God and God’s work. Now, I press to reach the potential that is within me. This is where I find myself now, and how I begin to explore turning over my will to a higher power.

The Art of Restoration

"The body is a community made up of its innumerable cells or inhabitants." - Thomas A. Edison

In spite of the significant gap between my last entry and this one, I’ve decided to pick up where I left off in my commentary on the Twelve Steps. Interestingly, I’d come to Step Two: “Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” I say “interestingly” because I am currently a resident at a Christian ministry for men who are coming out of addiction and/or imprisonment.

Being in this ministry has certainly been difficult for me because it’s “all Jesus all the time,” and I do not profess to be a Christian. However, I deeply believe in learning from every situation, and I am working on being content where I am. Altogether, this place has had a profound influence on my spiritual growth. I am more able to recognize my place in the scope of the universe and to accept that, although I am tiny, I am not insignificant.

Now, I have a major problem with the idea of a conscious being orchestrating all life in the universe. I’ve done some incredible mental acrobatics over the years in order to figure out where I fit spiritually. For the sake of time, I will say that I believe that we are all members of the universal body, and, although we have free will within it and have the ability to influence it, ultimately, it is in control. For the sake of simplicity, I will call this universal body “God”.

A few years ago, I developed a meditation that I do before bed each night and when I awake in the morning. I start by attempting to imagine the infinity of the universe. Note that I say “attempt”. Have you ever tried to imagine infinity? It’s impossible. But therein lies the beauty of this exercise.

Okay, I start with the universe, and, then, I move inward. I imagine the Milky Way, then our solar system, then our hemisphere, and so forth until I get down to myself. (Sometimes, when I’ve had a particularly trying day, I’ll try to get down to the cellular or even the atomic level. Yet another awesome endeavor.) I concentrate on myself for a while and then move back out. As I progress outward, I imagine energy emanating from my body and connecting with everything and everyone around me. I pay particular attention to my loved ones and very special attention to anyone I’ve had conflict with. I try to feel that connection with everything and everyone, all the way back out into the vast universe.

Feeling that connection is the entire foundation of my spiritual outlook. For example, the reason I emphasize being connected with people I’ve hurt or who’ve hurt me is to remind me that, despite our conflict, we are one. Because we are one, I absolutely must forgive those who have hurt me, and I must do my best to avoid injuring others. "Love thy neighbor as thyself" is, indeed, a universal precept.

I have to know that I’m connected, and I have to feel that connection at all times. Before I go to bed, this exercise clears and quiets my mind so that I can have a restful sleep. In the morning, it reminds me that I’m plugged in so that I go forward in my day with the right heart and mind.

Essentially, this is how I acknowledge the higher power that is restoring me to sanity. Whenever I feel myself starting to spin out of control, I remember that I am connected and that my power comes from within and without. I didn’t create this power; God endowed me with it, and staying connected keeps me fed.