Sing Out, Louise!

Is anyone else dying for Glee? I wish I'd decided to sing in high school instead of doing orchestra. I mean, I met some awesome people in orchestra, but I think I would have rocked vocal. And... let's not talk about how the musicals would have been cast.

Okay, I'm off topic. But not really. How fucking awesome am I?

Patience is a Virtue

I know it's been awhile. I know I always apologize. But there's been some mess happening in my life.

Whatever. I'm back, bitches! And I've got shit to say.

Just stay tuned while I formulate my thoughts.

Also? Keep your eyes out for yet another site, featuring a serialized storyline written by yours truly. I've been talking about it for months, and I'm ready to publish.

Just keep this in mind until my next post: "Pshht!"

AMC - Rant

Okay, first of all, I have to give myself a WHOO-WHOO for dragging my mom back into the AMC fold.

Second, I have to say this... I'm a smart person. I always tested in the 99th percentile. I got into a well-respected college. I ran several organizations and performed admirably in my classes. I've worked in challenging environments.

My point: I'm not a lazy, drooling nincompoop. Neither are my friends who watch soaps. So why do Pratt and Frons treat us as though we are?

Wednesday's show was a dud. It was absolute filler. But even beyond that, I'm sick of the "New" Tad. I'm sick of David's whining. PLEASE recast Colby. (BRING AMBYR BACK!) Why is Aidan suddenly on the "Annie's crazy" train?

Don't get me wrong. There are things that I love, but the things that I hate... I feel they insult the intelligence of the audience. I don't think that soaps have ever been stupid. Cheesy? Maybe. Unrealistic? Sometimes. Outrageous? Always. But stupid? Never. Only recently have EPs decided that their audiences lack brain stems.

I remember being five years old and having my grandmother babysit us. We'd sit and watch All My Children and One Life to Live with her. I recall one time when she had to run to the drug store during her "stories," so she plugged her portable TV into the car cigarette lighter, and away we went! Those were the halcyon days of soaps. When Vicky fought Dorian and Erica fought bears.

Soap writers didn't take their viewers for granted. And they certainly didn't try to change their demographic. Message to Brain Frons: There ARE 14 year old boys watching your show. And they're FAGS. And they like the shows the way they are -- or, were.

Sorry. I know you were expecting a commentary of the past couple of days, but I just don't have it in me.

I will admit that yesterday was getting back to the soapy goodness that I fell in love with as a child. Erica flouncing and menacing? Awesome. But there are still drips of mediocrity that I can't stand. Jamie Luner as Liza? If she'd been a new character, fine. But she is NOT Liza Colby. As I've mentioned, Brianne Moncrief is a horror. (BRING BACK AMBYR!)

I could extend this rant to TV in general, but I'll keep it small.

For now.

AMC - June 9, 2009

Today’s show was a whole lot of nothin’. My personal plusses were Jake and Amanda getting engaged and Angie and Kendall interacting.

First, I love Jake and Mandy two together. Probably more than I loved Zach and Kendall. Okay, that’s not really fair. I’m being colored by my current annoyance/ennui with them. They were my It Couple when they began, and the reasons I loved them were different than the reasons I love Jake and Amanda. Sure, both couples began with the pretext of some sort of protection against an antagonizing force, and that alliance grew into love. But where you saw raw passion with Zach and Kendall, you see a tender sweetness with Jake and Amanda. It’s the ultimate fantasy of two friends falling in love. It’s not exactly how I would have written the relationship’s progression, but I’m more than okay with the results. I’m so excited, in fact, that I have yet to brace myself for whatever’s to come.

Second, Angie and Kendall. I’ve been dying for a Hubbard-Slater friendship since the returns of Jesse and Angie. Especially since I never got a Slater-Dillon friendship. I’m ecstatic that Angie and Kendall are sharing these scenes together. Kendall needs someone on her side who comforts her. Everyone on Team Kendall seems to think she’s fragile and needs protecting (Ryan, Erica, Zach), but what she really needs is a friend – and co-conspirator. Her two biggest supporters (Greenlee and Josh) are both dead. (And, in a way, both deaths were because of her. But I won’t get into that now.) She’s had no one to turn to who’ll just listen, rather than run out and try to squash whatever’s bothering her. Angie’s that new someone, and that just tickles me.

Angie took a personal interest in Ian’s case, which she really didn’t have to do. She’s been championing Kendall during the investigation, talking to Jesse on Kendall’s behalf. But most importantly, she lets Kendall vent. Plus, their mutual excitement over the possibility that David could go away for murdering Stuart is adorably insane. They’re both pretty hot-headed and make impulsive decisions when it comes to their loved ones – and their enemies. They’re perfect friends!

But speaking to Angie’s interest in Ian’s case, can we take a sidebar and talk about “Dr. Sloan” for a minute? Or, more precisely, Disney’s incessant need for self-promotion? Maybe I’m off, but I definitely took “Dr. Sloan” as a reference to Grey’s Anatomy. And here’s why: Over the past several months, we’ve seen Emma going on about Ariel, Little A preparing to watch The Lion King and having a crush on Hannah Montana, and Ryan offering to dance with Erica (a plug for Dancing with the Stars, on which both Cameron Mathison and Susan Lucci appeared). The list goes on, but I just don’t have the time to research it. I’d be on the nets for HOURS. As anyone who knows me will attest, I have no problem with product placement or cross-promotion, and lord knows I’m a sucker for a good inside joke. There’s just a point when it gets tiresome. Now, the Sloan reference may not even be a reference at all, and I’m losing my head over nothing. But, come on. I don’t think I’m reaching here.

Anyway, let’s move on to what’s sticking in my craw the most: Colby. Good gravy, if this isn’t one flipping-flopping, whining brat, I don’t know who is. When SORASed Colby first showed up, she was pissed at Liza for keeping her from her father. She grew to learn that Adam truly did love her, despite what Liza had told her. But whenever Adam disappointed her, she turned on him on a dime. She ran away to live with Tad and Krystal a couple of times. And now, she’s mad at him again for keeping Liza’s letters from her. Never mind that Liza called Colby several times and those calls were ignored. Never mind that there are such a things as email, Twitter, MySpace, Facebook and texting at Liza’s disposal and which a teenager is FAR more apt to read and that Adam couldn’t have easily interfered with. Now Colby’s realized that Liza really did love her (which I don’t think was ever a question until very recently), and Adam’s the Big Bad again. So she’s moved out of Chez Chandler. I say good riddance to bad cheese. This character has been grating for awhile, and the actress’s limited abilities haven’t helped one iota. (Bring back Ambyr Childress!) I’m sure Colby’ll be back in the manse soon enough because she’s a twit who has no idea how to fend for herself. And news that Liza faked her pregnancy will probably send her running back to Daddy’s credit card, anyway. But for now, one fewer child in the Chandler mansion is just ducky.

Hm… Yeah. I didn’t really care about anything else today, and this shit’s long enough. Maybe if I stew longer, I’ll post more later.

Until then, please feel free to respond, criticize, whatever. The floor is yours.

Those Magic Changes*

Golly! It's been over a month since my last post. I know I've fallen down on the job. I'll make no excuses.

In an effort to rectify this situation, I'm going to start posting analyses of "All My Children" episodes. I write daily recaps over at Lobster and Branch, my home for the past three years. I found myself commenting more than recapping, which made the recaps far longer than they needed to be. So, taking a friendly suggestion from the board admin, I'm moving my commentary here.

I'd thought about doing this before, but decided against it in favor of broader entertainment discussion. But, well, you see how well that's gone. Besides, commenting on the shows I watch fits perfectly well within this blog's mission statement.

That said, I'm still figuring out how to go about doing this, so bear with me. I'm going to shoot for daily commentary, as I had been doing over at L&B. But I may very well end up doing them weekly.

So stay tuned.

*Points to whomever can figure out where this gem comes from.

The Drunk Corner #2: The Real Patient Zero

Anyone who knows me knows that I can't stand hysteria. Hate it. SARS. Bird flu. The Macarena. I just don't care for it.

So now we're dealing with the "swine flu," or, as our beloved president has informed us, what is now called H1-N1 or something. And, no. I'm not going to look that up to confirm the name. Hello! Drunk. Corner. The best you can expect is proper grammar and spelling.

Anyway....

I've been thinking about this.

The real patient zero has to be Octomom. Come on. Human beings do NOT have eight children at once. But you know who does? Pigs.

Octomom's days in the spotlight were dwindling, so maybe she called a cousin to cough on her. You know. Keep the family in the news.

I'm just sayin'.

Think about it.

The Drunk Corner #1 - Ann Coulter v Bill Maher

I was lucky enough to get a ticket to the debate between Bill Maher and Ann Coulter at Radio City Music Hall. Part of the Speaker Series. My awesome friend Liz bought tickets, and I am grateful.

But, even upon receiving this incredible gift, I started mouthing off. Bill Maher is a big mouth. Ann Coulter is insufferable. He's pretty smug. She's not his equal. She's not his equal. She's not his equal. She's not... Oh, wait.

And that's what my experience was like. Listening to one person who thinks she's witty against someone who is actually funny and insightful.

This isn't, and has never been, a political blog. It's about TV mostly and entertainment in general. Well, Bill Maher's a TV host, and Ann Coulter was one of his frequent guests. So this totally qualifies.

Which makes it weird that the star of the show, for me, was the old woman (who was there with two friends) who sat behind us. She had a voice that suggested Harvey Fierstein in his later, later, um (is this later enough?) later years? (Love you, dear.) She provided, er, illustrious commentary throughout. At one point, after Ann had tossed her hair for the thousandth time and Bill had touched Ann's knee for the [count the stains in his pants] time, she said, "OH! HE JUST WANTS TO SLEEP WITH HER!"

And that, my friends, was the highlight of the evening. I could really talk about how Ann kept saying the same point over and over (and made a TERRIBLE connection between being a liberal and being a victim). Or I could talk about how Bill (love that bitch) was trying out new material for his next HBO special. Or the 90s prostitute black dress that Ann wore. The fact that she couldn't tame that damn hair, despite the inventions of hair clasps. (By the way, the woman in front of me wore a beautiful one. She seemed to be the same kind of WASP that Ann kept saying she was. Like FIVE times. Even when it wasn't relevant. Like, even referring to Rush Limbuagh, she said, "Well, that's classic WASP deflection when he said that." From what I have researched, Rush isn't a WASP. I mean, just the name "Limbaugh" suggests ethnicity.)

Oh, but I got off topic. She wore a tight, black dress. Long sleeves, rounded neck, fourteen-inches above the knee. A dress that I saw some girls in my high school wearing. In the 90s. In a parody of the 80s.

How does a grown woman wear something like that to a debate and decide that she should taken seriously?

The answer: She can't.

And that was the other thing: She's not smart enough for people to care, so she shows off her body.

But... SHE'S A STICK.

So, I guess that's what "WASPs" look like? Boy, if you're driving through Connecticut, keep your windows up so your eyes don't get poked out.

Look. I hate her, clearly. Bill Maher cheesed me a bit. I mean: Dude, this isn't Caroline's. Don't test out your new material on me. But, altogether, he kind of rocked it.

But, like, I said, the star was Mrs. Fierstein. I want to know who she was. She was the bee's knees. If you know an older woman who went to the debate and who sat in the OO section, please let me know.

Overall, I thank my friend for the ticket because... I had the BEST TIME!

Most hated aspect:
Ann: In conclusion... [uproarious applause] Boy, that was rude.
[Followed by a monologue by Bill, which was interrupted every minute by a heckler. Um, whose side is ruder, ANN?]

Favorite portion: "OH! HE JUST WANTS TO SLEEP WITH HER!"

This isn't a one-sided thing, y'all. Tell me what you think. Either way. Yes... even if you like Ann. ESPECIALLY if you like Ann.