"Look, Mom! I Got a Golden Globe!"

The above quote is brought to you by Melissa Leo, winner of Best Supporting Actress for The Fighter. And that, my friends, encapsulates what awards shows are supposed to be about. There were a few great moments like that during the show, but, honestly, most of it was forced and hackneyed. I'm lookin' at you, weird intro with Jimmy Fallon and January Jones, and I'm not entirely sure about what to make of Robert DeNiro's speech for the Cecil B. DeMille Award.

Now, this is the first time since, I guess, high school that I've watched an awards show without a drink or five in my hand. Are they always this difficult to sit through? And, I've said it before, and I'll keep saying it until someone listens to me: For the love of god, post your thank-you lists to your personal websites! Other than your partner, parents and children, I don't want to hear it. If you have to thank your housekeeper and the Korean lady who scours the callouses from the soles of your feet, do it somewhere else. That's why blogs were invented.

Besides Leo's speech, other great acceptances were Jim Parsons and Chris Colfer. Both were deserving of their wins, and both were stunned and sincere in their speeches. Jim Parsons was especially adorable, as he gratefully accepted the award from his co-star Kaley Cuoco. Chris Colfer's speech was somewhat de rigeur in its social commentary, but still amazing with his final declaration to the naysayers: "Screw you!" (Also, on E!'s After-Party, he claimed that he's going to sleep with the award for a week, just to know that it's real. "Usually, when I win one of these, I wake up." Cute!)

Chris Colfer was only one aspect of a fairly gay night. The gays really cleaned up, y'all! Besides the nominations of several gay men and women and gay-themed or -friendly fare, Colfer's co-star Jane Lynch won and thanked her wife and children. Annette Bening won for her fantastic portrayal of a lesbian partner and co-parent (recognizing her co-star, Julianne Moore), and The Kids Are All Right won for Best Motion Picture, Comedy or Musical. I was ecstatic for every single one of these wins. Though, let's be honest here. I would have been happy for anyone but Burlesque. If Burlesque had won, I would have performed seppuku right then and there. And, then there's Glee. Best Television Series, Comedy or Musical.

Really?

I love Glee, and I've stood by it, even during this horrid season. But the HFPA is seriously going to sit there and tell me that Glee is a better show than The Big C, Modern Family, The Big Bang Theory and 30 Rock? Honestly? You're going to stand by that? Alright. Moving on, then.

Speaking of The Big C, I'd like to take this moment to apologize for my earlier comment about Laura Linney's absence. It wasn't really meant to be funny to begin with, just an observation, but I also hadn't realized that her father passed away this weekend, which is why she couldn't be at the ceremony. That's got to be a terrible thing to deal with, regardless, but especially during what should be a celebratory time for her.

Finally, I'd like to address the topic of Ricky Gervais. I'm quite surprised that they brought him back, honestly. But I appreciated his humor, and, frankly, I think the audience were pretty poor sports about it. Maybe they weren't drunk enough, I don't know. But I think he was just this side of the line, and it worked for me. I'm sure he's done for on the awards shows circuit, though.

Well, kids. That's it. Those were the Globes. Not terribly intriguing or entertaining. My biggest take-away is that I really have to bone up before the Oscars. I definitely have to go to AMC's annual Best Picture marathon. But my Netflix is still going to be pretty busy as I scope out other nominees.

Thanks for reading, everyone. I really appreciate it.

Now for my favorite quotes:

Runner-Up: "You may remember him from the film as the guy when he's asked 'Would you sleep with that girl,' he says, 'Pssh! No.' He's such a good actor. He totally wanted to sleep with me." -- Natalie Portman, acknowledging her babydaddy

Quote of the Night: "There's gotta be an easier way to get a standing ovation." -- Michael Douglas

Around the Globes in 180 Minutes

The main event...

8:03 - Thank god for alcohol, eh, Ricky? I'm actually enjoying him, but the audience might need a few snootfuls to loosen up.

8:05 - I didn't see Geoffrey Rush on the red carpet. Very Marshall-Erikson-getting-married.
Ooh! Shot of the countdown clock.

8:14 - And the computer's attitude continues...
I really enjoyed how happy Ed O'Neill was for Katey Sagal. That was sweet. (And a great call from the director to grab that shot.)

8:17 - This annoys me every year: Miss Golden Globe. Isn't it time to allow some sons to help present at the Globes?

8:25 - Chris Colfer FTW!!! You'll excuse me for a moment. I can't see my screen through the tears.

8:30 - Remember when Michelle Pfeiffer was interesting? That was before Botox.

8:48 - I do believe that Diane Warren was just mouthing, "Oh, shit. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod..."

8:50 - Trent Reznor beat out both Hans Zimmer and Danny Elfman for Best Score? That, my friends, is the very definition of an upset.

8:58 - "Toy Story 3"? I think the word you're looking for is "Dur."

9:04 - Jesse Tyler Ferguson just snapped a shot with Jenna Ushkowitz from "Glee" on his iPhone. I am seriously going to steal him away from his boyfriend. Sorry, NPH, I have a new TV crush. You had your chance, and you missed out.

9:11 - Al Pacino wins for Best Actor in a TV Movie and gets a standing ovation -- except for Paul Giamatti, whom he has to push past. Nice one.

9:20 - Did L'Oreal run that commercial because JLo was a presenter tonight or because most of the audience is women? These are the things I wonder. (And, yes, obviously, it's both. Leave me be.)

9:24 - Good call getting Zac Efron to present the gay movie. Bad call on that crew cut.

9:39 - There are Helen Mirren and her boobs! I can't go through a GG or Oscars broadcast without them.

9:48 - Jim Parsons! So deserving.

10:14 - That's Darren Aronofsky? Nice pornstache.

10:16 - I really wish award winners would stop telling their kids to go to bed. It's trite.

10:18 - Glee wins, and gays and misfits around the country break out into ear-splitting song.
But, seriously. Did the whole cast have to go on stage? Gimme a break.

10:54 - What a beautiful moment of support for Michael Douglas. "There's gotta be an easier way to get a standing ovation."

Kickin' 'Em in the Globes

Oh, the Golden Globes. The tipsy uncle of the awards show season. So much fun, and often a good predictor of how the Emmys and Oscars will go.

Okay! So, after some technical difficulties, we're up and running. And away we go!

Red Carpet
6:19 - Playing catch-up:
Olivia Wild's dress was amazing.
I'm in love with the 360 cam.
Good lord, I'm always amazed by how short Seacrest is.
Poor Kelly Osbourne and George What's-his-face are stumbling all over themselves.
I will drive a pencil through my temples if I hear "babybump" one more time.

6:21 - Note to self: Closed captioning will do you no good tonight.

6:28 - Yeesh. Mark Salling looks like a little boy in his tux.

6:30 - Alec Baldwin/Jim Parsons "tension". Quick, in a fight, who kicks whose ass?

6:34 - "Lei" jokes? Really? Well, it is E!

6:35 - Elisabeth Moss!!! She looks gorgeous. I love that green on her. I read that she is/was married to Fred Armisen from SNL. What an odd pairing.

6:37 - There goes Helena Bonham-Carter in the background, looking insane as usual. But I love her.

6:43 - Sarah Hyland is so adorable! She's phenomenal on Modern Family. "I'm sorry you hate me. I don't know you." Awesome.

6:45 - What's up with all the ponytails tonight? Are people worried that they're going to get too smashed tonight to deal with their hair once they get home?

6:47 - Yay! Jesse Tyler Ferguson! I am so in love with him. Frotch!

6:48 - And pull out to show Matt Bomer. Two queers on screen at once. Is that allowed on primetime?

6:53 - Wondering whether my popcorn will last through the show. Probably not.

6:55 - So it looks like Jane Krakowski and Natalie Portman decided to show off the bellies.
Also? No more Limo Cam. Annoying.

6:56 - Is Lea Michele going to prom? Did her mom and dad lift curfew tonight?

6:57 - Not liking the flower on Natalie's dress. But her hair is simple and beautiful. And that necklace is divine.

6:58 - Jason Segel and Jimmy Fallon sharing a stage? What bizarro world is this? Oh, god. That was... something.

7:06 - Count me among the people who didn't realize that Emma Stone was a natural blonde. She's been either brunette or a redhead in everything I've seen her in. Is it weird to say that I don't like her natural hair color? She looks washed out.

7:10 - Switched over to NBC. Sandra Bullock's looking good. I guess it's Ryan Reynold's Canadian lovin'.
I'll bet you Chris Colfer's sick of answering "What's it like to be a gay role model?"

7:12 - Back on E! What's going on with the Biebs? I must have missed why he's here.

7:14 - "The two Janes." Heh. I like the sparkle at the bottom of Jane Lynch's gown. But again with unnecessary floral embellishments!

7:22 - More freakiness with my computer...
Michael Douglas looks quite well, and he's making jokes. That's great to see.
I didn't like Sofia Vergara's dress when I first saw it, but close-up, it's uniquely beautiful.
Um... What happened to the 360 cam?

7:26 - Just caught a glimpse of Christina Aguilera. It's Booblesque!

7:27 - It's so weird to me that Mila Kunis of That 70s Show and Family Guy fame is nominated for a GG. Just goes to show you how people can be underestimated.
And another shot of Elisabeth Moss. I love her, really. But, what's with all the camera attention?

7:32 - A lot of pink/flesh-toney gowns tonight. Eh.

7:40 - I freaking LOVE Halle Berry's dress! So sassy and sexy.
Halle as Aretha? Hm... I think that Jennifer Hudson would beat a girl down. But that voice is too unique. They'd have to dub in the vocals no matter who the actress was.

7:42 - Not fond of Anne Hathaway's dress. Not in the least.

7:53 - And, unlike his friend HBC, Johnny Depp actually look not-insane for a change.
Vavoom, January Jones!!!