You Are How You Speak

I post a lot on Facebook. A lot. Particularly about grammar and the trials of using language, in general. Today, however, I seem to have discussed usage a lot more than I normally do, and I really started examining how I write and speak. To be honest, this didn't suddenly occur to me today. I've been thinking about this problem for quite some time now and have been trying to improve myself as a speaker and writer.

I once read that one should avoid slang because it dates the user. Slang is a particular problem for me, as it is, to some degree, for most people. In an effort to be more articulate and less colloquial, I am attempting to wean myself off certain words and phrases. Perhaps by chronicling my efforts, I can better stick to this grammatical workout regimen.

Word/Phrase #1: Issues, as in "I have my own issues to deal with" or "This article I just read has so many issues, I can't even deal." (Stay tuned for Phrase #2.) I'm not sure when everyone started having "issues," but I first heard it in a psychiatric or counselling context. It was a less judgmental way to refer to a person's problems. A client isn't troubled; he has issues. The term caught on outside of this context to mean any general problem a person might have with anything. ("I have issues with David E. Kelley's twisted take on the law.") It has now enjoyed such overuse, in all manner of contexts, that it has lost virtually all meaning.

To highlight this point, let's examine the first paragraph as it more or less originally composed itself in my head:

I post a lot on Facebook. A lot. It's an issue for me. Particularly about grammar and issues with using language, in general. Today, however, I seem to have discussed usage a lot more than normal, and I really started examining how I write and speak. To be honest, this issue didn't suddenly occur to me today. I've been thinking about this issue for quite some time now and have been trying to solve my writing and speaking issues.

This is no longer simply about slang use; it's a matter of overall clarity. "Issue" is, for all intents and purposes, a non-word. And I've got issues with that.

Possible alternatives:
"I have issues with this point." = "I disagree with this point."
"I have so many issues with my mother." = "My mother and I have never gotten along."
"That guy has issues." = "He is an unsavory character."

My God!!!

Apparently, people are upset because Obama didn't praise God, and he started speaking in tongues on Thanksgiving. No? He didn't? Seriously? ...

But it's still suck a thing:

I've already told you the history of Thanksgiving.

They were religious zealots, bad enough that the country wanted to get rid of.

Keep in mind: These (the English) are the same people who sent their prisoners to another WHAT THEY THOUGHT WAS COMPLETELY uninhabitable continent. We now take seriously a country called Australia.

Think about that. They sent these "pilgrims" to a place they thought was uninhabitable. England sent the pilgrims (the same way the sent their convicts) to what they thought was a desolate place TO DIE! (Did you forget the Australians?) And when they were rescued by the natives, they took a homeland feast celebration. I believe it was all amicable.

But this is what Republicans have to remember when pissing about Obama's not talking about "God". Bush didn't do it.

Also, Thanksgiving was a festival harvest. It wasn't a "God" thing...

So, I have to regrettably say again, "Shut up, Christians!"

Happy Freakin' Holidays!

At some point in my youth, my awareness of the world around me grew, as happens with normal human development, and I realized that people had stopped declaring "Merry Christmas" in December and had switched over to "Happy Holidays!" Cities and even small towns stopped erecting nativity scenes on government property, usually due to lawsuits. (Because, what's more American than the separation of church and state? Suing to reinforce what should be common sense.) Schools put on holiday pageants, not Christmas pageants. And, of course, Christians got all up in arms about a war on Christmas and, by extension, Christianity. (Because, what's more American than lawsuits? People in power claiming persecution and discrimination whenever that power is questioned.)

Let me say this, as I feel I must every year: I say "Happy Holidays," not to take Christmas away from Christians or to declare war on Christians, but because -- and this might come as a shock -- Christmas isn't the only holiday going on. I'm not being politically correct (a pejorative term from its very inception); I'm being realistic.

Now, let's talk about the holiday, itself. Listen closely Christians. As a larger cultural institution, Christmas has evolved into a general, secular holiday, open to anyone who wants to celebrate. This is pretty much what happens in an inter-faith (and I use that term to include non-believers, as well) such as ours. However, it's worth mentioning that this sort of secularism isn't purely an American phenomenon. In other words, no one is trying to silence or eradicate Christianity. So just stop bitching. PLEASE! (Please keep this all in mind come Easter time. I don't want to have to repeat myself.)

Okay, now that that's out of the way, here's the real meat of what I'd like to say to you Christians about Christmas: If you want Christmas back, take it. I don't want it. While I like Christmas music and absolutely adore Christmas decorations, I hate the holiday, itself. It's commercial and creates weird expectations (both material and non-material) between people who would normally consider themselves acquaintances, at best. "What about Christmas spirit?" you say. My response would be, "I don't need the month of December to remind me to be nice, gracious and charitable." And, frankly, if I see one more television show's or movie's take on It's a Wonderful Life, I may have to travel back through time and alternate dimensions in order to push George Bailey off that bridge my damn self.

My point is, celebrate the birth of your messiah as much as you want. Have at it. It's all yours. If Christianity goes back to being solely a Christian holiday, then maybe people will stop making that funny face and calling me a Grinch when I say I don't celebrate it. And maybe, just maybe, the eternal question will be answered: "Was there a Jesus Who?"

Why I'm Turning off Live Television This Weekend

I will not be watching television this weekend, at least not live. My DVR's been working overtime to record a bunch of movies. I've never seen Boardwalk Empire, and the new season starts next week, so I think I'll catch up via On Demand. I also have a book to make a heavy dent in. Now, I rarely watch live television anymore to begin with, but I am especially avoiding it this weekend because of 9/11. More accurately, I have been avoiding 9/11 coverage, and I hope to continue to do so.

I lived and worked in NYC for 10 years. So, yes, I was there on the morning of September 11, 2001. My commute took me past Chambers St., mere blocks from the WTC site. In fact, it was at the Chamber St. stop that a man on the platform stuck his head into our train car and alerted us that "a plane just flew into the World Trade Center." I got to work soon after the second plane, and I watched the towers fall. I didn't feel safe crossing the Brooklyn Bridge on foot, so I walked from Chelsea to the Upper East Side. Manhattan was devoid of vehicular traffic, with black helicopters flying overhead. Pretty much everyone was northbound, and we noted that every bar along the way was full, but without the usual vivacity. When the trains were deemed "safe," I rode home in a silence unlike the usual subway car, "I'm just sitting here minding my own business" silence, rather one of suspicion, fear and shell-shock.

I don't need to "Remember 9/11;" I already do. Constantly. While I appreciate that you'll "Never Forget," sometimes, that's really all I want to do.

The coverage this weekend is not for those for whom 9/11 had a direct impact, in the same way that coverage of a natural disaster or murder trial isn't for the people who've lived through it. And I know that my experience is really the best-case scenario for someone who was in NYC or DC that day. Still, I would rather avoid the images and "close call" stories. I have plenty locked away.

I'll admit that I'd been anticipating this anniversary for some time. And, were I in NYC, I would probably be with friends, being thankful for coming through a tragedy, remembering those who didn't and thoughtfully reflecting on how to take further positive steps forward as a society and as part of the larger global community.

But I'm not in NYC, and that's sort of the central issue, here. I'm not in NYC, and I feel as though I need to be. Because, right now, right here, all of the media coverage feels like only that: coverage. And I'm not saying that the whole country didn't feel terrified or uprooted or that everyone else didn't mourn, as well. I'm not saying that commemoration isn't the right thing to do. I'm saying that none of it helps me, especially being so far away from my adopted home.

So I'll be watching The Princess Bride and reading A Game of Thrones.

The Corner Table: You Are Cordially Invited

You may be happy to know that I have created a workable Excel spreadsheet with which to catalog my recipes. (You may not be happy to know this or you may not care, but just keep that negativity to your damn self, m'kay?) I've tackled one recipe folder out of 11 on my computer. So far, that's 104 out of 747. If you're keeping track, that means that I've deleted a few. They were mostly puddings and all the measurements were metric. I don't even really like puddings, and I'm not wasting time converting metric measurements for recipes I'm probably not going to make. Never mind that most measuring cups have both systems of measurement. That's the not the point. The point is that I am so enamored with recipes that I will copy a recipe just for the sake of copying it!... But , like most things in life, it's not necessarily that simple.

If nothing else, this project will be an exciting exploration of my food proclivities and culinary desires. (Again, if you don't agree with this observation, please... just... no.) For example, why did I have five different pudding recipes? I don't even like desserts all that much. What I do like, however, is imagining hosting gorgeous dinner parties. No, no. It's no special occasion. I just thought it would be nice to cram 10 of my closest friends into my Jersey City studio. Thanks for braving the PATH! I've got sleeping bags if you don't feel safe walking back to the train this late.

Wait... Where was I? Oh, yeah. Dinner parties. I think the idea of playing host, whether it be a dinner party or overnight guests, is one of the largest criteria for which recipes I acquire. I have planned elaborate spreads, from appetizers to dessert, with cocktails to start and warm beverages to close. For the unlikely possibility of hosting house guests, I am compelled to save jam recipes. Now, I usually eat plain peanut butter sandwiches or toast with just butter or a bagel with just cream cheese. I don't need jam. But the idea of giving a jar of homemade jam as a gift stimulates the Martha Stewart center of my brain. Likewise with scones, imagine staying at a friend's house and waking up to fresh scones. Or a parfait. Or an elaborate breakfast. (French toast casserole with brown sugar bacon, anyone?)

And it's not just acting as a host; there is also the matter of being a thoughtful guest. Who wouldn't love a basket of cookies as a thank-you gift? And who among us hasn't racked our brains to figure out the perfect take-along to a BBQ or party? This is how I've wound up with well over 200 appetizers and desserts, including consciously acquired vegetarian, vegan and gluten-free options. Mind you, many of these recipes (especially, as mentioned earlier, the desserts), I would never actually eat, myself. But, as an imagined guest, I must always have ideas at the ready. This is why my catalog also includes a "Special Occasion" category, so that I can easily filter for items appropriate for Christmas or Passover or a baby shower Flag Day pool party.

Goodness knows that most of these recipes will never come to life in my kitchen, and who knows whether I'll ever actually host that dinner party. But, like a Boy Scout, I am super-gay. I mean, always prepared.

The Corner Table: You Are What You Want to Eat

I love food. This is most visibly apparent by my bulging waistline and the constant rivulet of saliva traversing down the bottom right side of my face. Yup, I love food. I love eating it. I love smelling it. I love talking about it. I love dreaming about it... Okay, not really. I usually have nightmares about food, in that I never actually get to eat in any of my dreams involving food (usually served buffet style), but I digress.

Most importantly, I have found that I love cooking food. More accurately, I have rediscovered a love of cooking. When I was young, I would watch cooking shows on TV. Julia Child was my favorite (and, perhaps, my first), and I would madly transcribe the recipes as she reeled them off with such delight. I never got to try any of those recipes, but I eventually became quite the consummate baker during high school. That was driven mostly by my insatiable adolescent appetite. I would come home craving an after-school snack, so I'd bake some biscuits. Or some cookies. Or a cake!

As an adult, I lost the will to cook for myself, but never the love. Two of my proudest domestic moments from early on were making homemade cranberry sorbet and pumpkin cheesecake for Thanksgiving at my friends' house and, the next year, making a full Thanksgiving meal for four at my own apartment (with vegetarian accommodations, even!).

Over the past few years, I have come full circle, once again feverishly copying recipes. Thankfully, 20 years of technological advances have allowed me to jump from manually transcribing Julia Child to Googling a recipe, then simply cutting and pasting it into a document. (This has led to a serious recipe collecting addiction that blasts the Pokemon craze out of the freakin' water.) I've also been able to test -- and modify -- several great recipes, for both traditional homemade fare and restaurant-quality items. This is where I stand right now and where you, dear reader (because I assume there's only one of you), reap the benefit of my trial and error.

I have long wanted to add a food component to this blog. Food is as integral to a culture as its politics or religion(s) (or lack, thereof). Like any institution, it influences and is influenced by its people, their history and their surroundings. It brings us together -- and, when there's only one donut left, can tear us apart. It is entertainment; it is culture. And, of course, that is what I write about and explore.

So, welcome to the Corner Table! My current project is cataloging the 753 recipes I have saved on my computer (I told you I was addicted) and coming up with a successful system that will ultimately allow me to more easily access my recipes for whatever need I am trying to meet. This may take awhile, so that's probably what I'll focus on for the moment. But once I'm up and running again, I aim to delve into my foodie adventures. I hope you'll enjoy them as much as I do.

So, slap on your rib bib, grab a wet nap and let's do this!

"Look, Mom! I Got a Golden Globe!"

The above quote is brought to you by Melissa Leo, winner of Best Supporting Actress for The Fighter. And that, my friends, encapsulates what awards shows are supposed to be about. There were a few great moments like that during the show, but, honestly, most of it was forced and hackneyed. I'm lookin' at you, weird intro with Jimmy Fallon and January Jones, and I'm not entirely sure about what to make of Robert DeNiro's speech for the Cecil B. DeMille Award.

Now, this is the first time since, I guess, high school that I've watched an awards show without a drink or five in my hand. Are they always this difficult to sit through? And, I've said it before, and I'll keep saying it until someone listens to me: For the love of god, post your thank-you lists to your personal websites! Other than your partner, parents and children, I don't want to hear it. If you have to thank your housekeeper and the Korean lady who scours the callouses from the soles of your feet, do it somewhere else. That's why blogs were invented.

Besides Leo's speech, other great acceptances were Jim Parsons and Chris Colfer. Both were deserving of their wins, and both were stunned and sincere in their speeches. Jim Parsons was especially adorable, as he gratefully accepted the award from his co-star Kaley Cuoco. Chris Colfer's speech was somewhat de rigeur in its social commentary, but still amazing with his final declaration to the naysayers: "Screw you!" (Also, on E!'s After-Party, he claimed that he's going to sleep with the award for a week, just to know that it's real. "Usually, when I win one of these, I wake up." Cute!)

Chris Colfer was only one aspect of a fairly gay night. The gays really cleaned up, y'all! Besides the nominations of several gay men and women and gay-themed or -friendly fare, Colfer's co-star Jane Lynch won and thanked her wife and children. Annette Bening won for her fantastic portrayal of a lesbian partner and co-parent (recognizing her co-star, Julianne Moore), and The Kids Are All Right won for Best Motion Picture, Comedy or Musical. I was ecstatic for every single one of these wins. Though, let's be honest here. I would have been happy for anyone but Burlesque. If Burlesque had won, I would have performed seppuku right then and there. And, then there's Glee. Best Television Series, Comedy or Musical.

Really?

I love Glee, and I've stood by it, even during this horrid season. But the HFPA is seriously going to sit there and tell me that Glee is a better show than The Big C, Modern Family, The Big Bang Theory and 30 Rock? Honestly? You're going to stand by that? Alright. Moving on, then.

Speaking of The Big C, I'd like to take this moment to apologize for my earlier comment about Laura Linney's absence. It wasn't really meant to be funny to begin with, just an observation, but I also hadn't realized that her father passed away this weekend, which is why she couldn't be at the ceremony. That's got to be a terrible thing to deal with, regardless, but especially during what should be a celebratory time for her.

Finally, I'd like to address the topic of Ricky Gervais. I'm quite surprised that they brought him back, honestly. But I appreciated his humor, and, frankly, I think the audience were pretty poor sports about it. Maybe they weren't drunk enough, I don't know. But I think he was just this side of the line, and it worked for me. I'm sure he's done for on the awards shows circuit, though.

Well, kids. That's it. Those were the Globes. Not terribly intriguing or entertaining. My biggest take-away is that I really have to bone up before the Oscars. I definitely have to go to AMC's annual Best Picture marathon. But my Netflix is still going to be pretty busy as I scope out other nominees.

Thanks for reading, everyone. I really appreciate it.

Now for my favorite quotes:

Runner-Up: "You may remember him from the film as the guy when he's asked 'Would you sleep with that girl,' he says, 'Pssh! No.' He's such a good actor. He totally wanted to sleep with me." -- Natalie Portman, acknowledging her babydaddy

Quote of the Night: "There's gotta be an easier way to get a standing ovation." -- Michael Douglas

Around the Globes in 180 Minutes

The main event...

8:03 - Thank god for alcohol, eh, Ricky? I'm actually enjoying him, but the audience might need a few snootfuls to loosen up.

8:05 - I didn't see Geoffrey Rush on the red carpet. Very Marshall-Erikson-getting-married.
Ooh! Shot of the countdown clock.

8:14 - And the computer's attitude continues...
I really enjoyed how happy Ed O'Neill was for Katey Sagal. That was sweet. (And a great call from the director to grab that shot.)

8:17 - This annoys me every year: Miss Golden Globe. Isn't it time to allow some sons to help present at the Globes?

8:25 - Chris Colfer FTW!!! You'll excuse me for a moment. I can't see my screen through the tears.

8:30 - Remember when Michelle Pfeiffer was interesting? That was before Botox.

8:48 - I do believe that Diane Warren was just mouthing, "Oh, shit. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod..."

8:50 - Trent Reznor beat out both Hans Zimmer and Danny Elfman for Best Score? That, my friends, is the very definition of an upset.

8:58 - "Toy Story 3"? I think the word you're looking for is "Dur."

9:04 - Jesse Tyler Ferguson just snapped a shot with Jenna Ushkowitz from "Glee" on his iPhone. I am seriously going to steal him away from his boyfriend. Sorry, NPH, I have a new TV crush. You had your chance, and you missed out.

9:11 - Al Pacino wins for Best Actor in a TV Movie and gets a standing ovation -- except for Paul Giamatti, whom he has to push past. Nice one.

9:20 - Did L'Oreal run that commercial because JLo was a presenter tonight or because most of the audience is women? These are the things I wonder. (And, yes, obviously, it's both. Leave me be.)

9:24 - Good call getting Zac Efron to present the gay movie. Bad call on that crew cut.

9:39 - There are Helen Mirren and her boobs! I can't go through a GG or Oscars broadcast without them.

9:48 - Jim Parsons! So deserving.

10:14 - That's Darren Aronofsky? Nice pornstache.

10:16 - I really wish award winners would stop telling their kids to go to bed. It's trite.

10:18 - Glee wins, and gays and misfits around the country break out into ear-splitting song.
But, seriously. Did the whole cast have to go on stage? Gimme a break.

10:54 - What a beautiful moment of support for Michael Douglas. "There's gotta be an easier way to get a standing ovation."

Kickin' 'Em in the Globes

Oh, the Golden Globes. The tipsy uncle of the awards show season. So much fun, and often a good predictor of how the Emmys and Oscars will go.

Okay! So, after some technical difficulties, we're up and running. And away we go!

Red Carpet
6:19 - Playing catch-up:
Olivia Wild's dress was amazing.
I'm in love with the 360 cam.
Good lord, I'm always amazed by how short Seacrest is.
Poor Kelly Osbourne and George What's-his-face are stumbling all over themselves.
I will drive a pencil through my temples if I hear "babybump" one more time.

6:21 - Note to self: Closed captioning will do you no good tonight.

6:28 - Yeesh. Mark Salling looks like a little boy in his tux.

6:30 - Alec Baldwin/Jim Parsons "tension". Quick, in a fight, who kicks whose ass?

6:34 - "Lei" jokes? Really? Well, it is E!

6:35 - Elisabeth Moss!!! She looks gorgeous. I love that green on her. I read that she is/was married to Fred Armisen from SNL. What an odd pairing.

6:37 - There goes Helena Bonham-Carter in the background, looking insane as usual. But I love her.

6:43 - Sarah Hyland is so adorable! She's phenomenal on Modern Family. "I'm sorry you hate me. I don't know you." Awesome.

6:45 - What's up with all the ponytails tonight? Are people worried that they're going to get too smashed tonight to deal with their hair once they get home?

6:47 - Yay! Jesse Tyler Ferguson! I am so in love with him. Frotch!

6:48 - And pull out to show Matt Bomer. Two queers on screen at once. Is that allowed on primetime?

6:53 - Wondering whether my popcorn will last through the show. Probably not.

6:55 - So it looks like Jane Krakowski and Natalie Portman decided to show off the bellies.
Also? No more Limo Cam. Annoying.

6:56 - Is Lea Michele going to prom? Did her mom and dad lift curfew tonight?

6:57 - Not liking the flower on Natalie's dress. But her hair is simple and beautiful. And that necklace is divine.

6:58 - Jason Segel and Jimmy Fallon sharing a stage? What bizarro world is this? Oh, god. That was... something.

7:06 - Count me among the people who didn't realize that Emma Stone was a natural blonde. She's been either brunette or a redhead in everything I've seen her in. Is it weird to say that I don't like her natural hair color? She looks washed out.

7:10 - Switched over to NBC. Sandra Bullock's looking good. I guess it's Ryan Reynold's Canadian lovin'.
I'll bet you Chris Colfer's sick of answering "What's it like to be a gay role model?"

7:12 - Back on E! What's going on with the Biebs? I must have missed why he's here.

7:14 - "The two Janes." Heh. I like the sparkle at the bottom of Jane Lynch's gown. But again with unnecessary floral embellishments!

7:22 - More freakiness with my computer...
Michael Douglas looks quite well, and he's making jokes. That's great to see.
I didn't like Sofia Vergara's dress when I first saw it, but close-up, it's uniquely beautiful.
Um... What happened to the 360 cam?

7:26 - Just caught a glimpse of Christina Aguilera. It's Booblesque!

7:27 - It's so weird to me that Mila Kunis of That 70s Show and Family Guy fame is nominated for a GG. Just goes to show you how people can be underestimated.
And another shot of Elisabeth Moss. I love her, really. But, what's with all the camera attention?

7:32 - A lot of pink/flesh-toney gowns tonight. Eh.

7:40 - I freaking LOVE Halle Berry's dress! So sassy and sexy.
Halle as Aretha? Hm... I think that Jennifer Hudson would beat a girl down. But that voice is too unique. They'd have to dub in the vocals no matter who the actress was.

7:42 - Not fond of Anne Hathaway's dress. Not in the least.

7:53 - And, unlike his friend HBC, Johnny Depp actually look not-insane for a change.
Vavoom, January Jones!!!