Every Good Work

I’m eager to continue discussing the steps, but first, I’d like to share something about myself which may enlighten you on how I’ve gotten to the place in which I find myself. By that, I do mean going through Recovery, but I also mean my current faith journey.

One of our weekly outings is to Celebrate Recovery, an overtly Christian off-shoot of AA/NA. Each week, in the smaller discussion groups, we are asked to state what we struggle with. A common response is “alcohol” or “meth” or “cocaine”. I state, honestly, that the substance I have a problem with is alcohol, but that my real struggle has been with my sense of self-worth.

I don’t really know where my low self-esteem came from. I’ve always had support: from my parents, from teachers, from friends. As an adult, my employers have always loved me, and I’ve advanced quickly in every organization I’ve been a part of.

But there’s always been that sense that nothing was good enough.

Now, I’ve always felt like an other. I’m left-handed, a fact of which I am almost disturbingly proud. I’m usually one of only a few black people in a room. Sometimes, I’m the only one. I was deemed “talented and gifted,” which set me apart, as well. And, I was the only out gay student in my high school. (Though, in all fairness, I had an incredibly easy time of it, with relatively few bumps in the road.)

Suffice it to say, I’m unique. And perhaps that fact was a painful one for me, even while I tried to celebrate my uniqueness. In my mind, being unique didn’t mean that I was special; it meant that there was something off. Have you ever completed an assignment or project in less time than the time allotted and were convinced that that meant you’d done the whole thing wrong? That’s how I feel almost every day of my life.

That feeling of wrongness has been the motivation for a lot of bad, as well as for a lot of good. In trying to set right what was wrong in me, I very quickly grew into a perfectionist. A deeper understanding of perfectionism reveals that, when given a project, the perfectionist will either work diligently to exceed standards, or he will simply not perform at all, for fear of not being able to achieve excellence. Anyone who knows me will recognize the accuracy of that description.

Furthermore, because I feel inadequate, I constantly seek the approval of others. This drive has manifested as a deep desire to help people, good manners and etiquette, excellent grades, a superior education, and (what started as) a promising career in arts and entertainment. The downside has presented itself in unhealthy relationships (both romantic and platonic), increasing alcohol abuse, and half-hearted suicide attempts, the last of these usually being subconscious attempts to overdose on alcohol. Many times, I hoped that I’d just pass out and never wake up.

Today, however, in my spiritual journey, I am accepting the value that I have in this universe -- which keeps me pressing towards the constructive and moving away from the destructive. I was inspired by Psalm 34:12: “Who is the man who delights in life, loving a long life to enjoy what is good?” The psalm goes on to talk about righteousness, but I was stuck on “what is good”. I understand “what is good” to mean “what is good in God,” the works which God has done. The first thing I always think of is the wonder of nature. Yet, am I not part of nature? Am I not one of God’s good works? Aren’t we all?

We don’t honor God’s work by destroying it. Not only was I killing myself with alcohol, but I was killing myself with my words and my thoughts. Both were dishonoring God and God’s work. Now, I press to reach the potential that is within me. This is where I find myself now, and how I begin to explore turning over my will to a higher power.