And the Shutty Goes To...

I know that we, as Americans, are overrun with awards and awards shows. But I think it's time to add one more: The STFU Awards, or the Shutty. This distinction goes to, basically, whomever is annoying me at the moment. The recipient will then have to refrain from talking to the media or risk my ire. (Yes, I know I have no real power. But leave me my delusions, huh?)

The first honoree is Marky Mark for bad-mouthing George Clooney. In explaining his decision to turn down Matt Damon's role in Ocean's Eleven, he claims he just didn't feel like "sitting with Brad [Pitt] and George, telling the press how great everybody is! That's not for me." Yes, Marky, I can see that being sweet and gracious (if a little over-the-top with the buddy routine) is not your bag. And, yeah, I know that you haven't been Marky Mark for awhile, but until you shape up, I won't be calling you by your given name.

Second on the list is PETA. I pretty much hate everything that PETA does because I can't stand smugness, and a lot of their "facts" are, frankly, not actual facts. But picking on poor, dimwitted Jessica Simpson is just low. It's almost like making fun of a five-year-old. Plus, I kind of thought her "Real Girls Eat Meat" tee was precious. I am a fan of tees even though they're so 2001.

Oh, also. This?

4. Meat will make you fat. All the saturated fat and cholesterol in chicken wings, pork chops, and steak eventually leads to flabby thighs and love handles. I hope the upcoming "Jessica Simpson's Intimates" line comes in plus sizes! Going vegetarian is the best way to get slim and stay that way.

Classy. I'm glad to know that PETA is also obsessed with body image.

Katie Heigl? You just barely escaped receiving a Shutty, but only because I just thought of them this morning. Lucky, lucky you.

But just so you don't think I'm a total Negative Nelly. (For the record, I'm just a nelly.) I'll hand out a You Done Good Award. Tom Colicchio gets it. I just spent about an hour clicking links to interviews with Chef Tom. I won't link to all of them, only his blog. He's developed such a fun, affable TV persona over the years, and I appreciate that. So, Chef Tom? You done good!

(Okay, I lied. I really have to link to this Grub Street interview because his wife makes a filthy comment, which made Tom blush. And made me want to hang out with her and a pitcher of martinis.)