Slater Rulz, Zack Droolz

Mario Lopez (who will forever be A.C. Slater to my generation) has been named People magazine's Hottest Bachelor. I would take these lists more seriously if People didn't release, like, 271 rankings a year. But that's beside the point.

I saw an interview with Lopez on Today this morning and was just amused. Well, when I wasn't enthralled with all the shirtless pics. You'd think I'd be used to him shirtless, having seen him in the Greg Louganis biopic. He's in Speedos for, I'd say, a third of the movie. And he was very often in revealing wrestling uniforms and (oddly) shirtless in many a Saved by the Bell episode. (I say "odd" since the show was directed toward pre-teens.)

In any event, what captivated me was the nude photo. But not for the expected reasons. First, there was the bear skin rug. Strike one. You can't take anything that includes a bear skin rug seriously. I mean, it's the ultimate symbol for cheesiness. Then, there's Lopez's expression. You can tell he was going for easy-going, but he really just looked uncomfortable. Maybe that's because he was posing with his hand tucked into his nethers. It just seems like an odd choice for hiding A.C. [Because I imagine he's named his junk A.C. I would if I were him.] But the best part was that, aired on Today, his crotch was pixelated. Really? Was the hand too suggestive? Because, I mean, it's a photo in People, not Inches. And if they thought it was that racy, then why show it in the first place? Morning television baffles me sometimes.

So, anyway, congratulations (or whatever) to Mario Lopez. Way to be hot and single. Do you think that in some alternate universe, Slater is also People's Hottest Bachelor and Kelly, nursing her fifth rugrat, is kicking herself for marrying Zack who's kind of let himself go and whose boyish charm is no longer as charming? I'm probably the only person who wonders these things.

Update: I recently learned that the photo was a re-creation of the iconic Burt Reynolds spread.