And the Television Audience Said, "Amen"

Dear TV gods,

I know that I pray to you a lot. Sometimes you come through; sometimes you don't. We've had our ups and downs. I've denounced you on many an occasion and praised you on many others. But I'm coming to you again. And I know you're still busy working on bringing back Community (you are working on bringing back Community, right?), but I have one more favor to ask for now. Please, please, for the love of all that is pixelated and holy, make Smash a success.

Okay, I know there are the obvious "you're so gay" reasons for my wanting this show to succeed. It's about the conception and development of a play. A musical. A musical about Marilyn Monroe. And it stars Debra Messing, a.k.a. Grace! My 2(x)ist jock is positively wet with all the gay in this paragraph alone.

But it's not just that this is a homosexual's television dream come true. No, no. I want it to succeed for another reason: I need to be able to keep my sanity. I want it to do well so that I don't have to slog through weeks of every entertainment news outlet talking about how something so hyped failed so miserably. Between Entertainment Weekly, The Hollywood Reporter, Variety, the New York Times and other sources I'm sure I'm forgetting, I just couldn't take all the analysis of a bomb that would definitely go on for at least a month were "Smash" to underperform.

Never mind all the comparisons to Glee. For crap's sake, it's already started, even before the premiere made its way around the internet and On Demand. Already, it's the television equivalent of a parent's pitting his or her children against each other. The last thing I need to read is "Why couldn't you be more like your brother, Glee? He knows how to bring in a wide audience! And after all the publicity we've invested in you." (Publicity, I might add, that may have already doomed tonight's official premiere since, I'd suspect, most of those interested in watching it have already seen it.)

Well, why couldn't I just ignore any dissection of poor results? C'mon, TV gods, you should know me better by now. I am a masochist and will read every single article and opinion I can get my grubby little paws on.

So, please. I beg of you. Make Smash a smash. (Yeah, I just said that!) For my delicate constitution. You sort of owe me now that Chuck is off the air and Rosie is annoying me again.

You Are How You Speak

I post a lot on Facebook. A lot. Particularly about grammar and the trials of using language, in general. Today, however, I seem to have discussed usage a lot more than I normally do, and I really started examining how I write and speak. To be honest, this didn't suddenly occur to me today. I've been thinking about this problem for quite some time now and have been trying to improve myself as a speaker and writer.

I once read that one should avoid slang because it dates the user. Slang is a particular problem for me, as it is, to some degree, for most people. In an effort to be more articulate and less colloquial, I am attempting to wean myself off certain words and phrases. Perhaps by chronicling my efforts, I can better stick to this grammatical workout regimen.

Word/Phrase #1: Issues, as in "I have my own issues to deal with" or "This article I just read has so many issues, I can't even deal." (Stay tuned for Phrase #2.) I'm not sure when everyone started having "issues," but I first heard it in a psychiatric or counselling context. It was a less judgmental way to refer to a person's problems. A client isn't troubled; he has issues. The term caught on outside of this context to mean any general problem a person might have with anything. ("I have issues with David E. Kelley's twisted take on the law.") It has now enjoyed such overuse, in all manner of contexts, that it has lost virtually all meaning.

To highlight this point, let's examine the first paragraph as it more or less originally composed itself in my head:

I post a lot on Facebook. A lot. It's an issue for me. Particularly about grammar and issues with using language, in general. Today, however, I seem to have discussed usage a lot more than normal, and I really started examining how I write and speak. To be honest, this issue didn't suddenly occur to me today. I've been thinking about this issue for quite some time now and have been trying to solve my writing and speaking issues.

This is no longer simply about slang use; it's a matter of overall clarity. "Issue" is, for all intents and purposes, a non-word. And I've got issues with that.

Possible alternatives:
"I have issues with this point." = "I disagree with this point."
"I have so many issues with my mother." = "My mother and I have never gotten along."
"That guy has issues." = "He is an unsavory character."

My God!!!

Apparently, people are upset because Obama didn't praise God, and he started speaking in tongues on Thanksgiving. No? He didn't? Seriously? ...

But it's still suck a thing:

I've already told you the history of Thanksgiving.

They were religious zealots, bad enough that the country wanted to get rid of.

Keep in mind: These (the English) are the same people who sent their prisoners to another WHAT THEY THOUGHT WAS COMPLETELY uninhabitable continent. We now take seriously a country called Australia.

Think about that. They sent these "pilgrims" to a place they thought was uninhabitable. England sent the pilgrims (the same way the sent their convicts) to what they thought was a desolate place TO DIE! (Did you forget the Australians?) And when they were rescued by the natives, they took a homeland feast celebration. I believe it was all amicable.

But this is what Republicans have to remember when pissing about Obama's not talking about "God". Bush didn't do it.

Also, Thanksgiving was a festival harvest. It wasn't a "God" thing...

So, I have to regrettably say again, "Shut up, Christians!"

Happy Freakin' Holidays!

At some point in my youth, my awareness of the world around me grew, as happens with normal human development, and I realized that people had stopped declaring "Merry Christmas" in December and had switched over to "Happy Holidays!" Cities and even small towns stopped erecting nativity scenes on government property, usually due to lawsuits. (Because, what's more American than the separation of church and state? Suing to reinforce what should be common sense.) Schools put on holiday pageants, not Christmas pageants. And, of course, Christians got all up in arms about a war on Christmas and, by extension, Christianity. (Because, what's more American than lawsuits? People in power claiming persecution and discrimination whenever that power is questioned.)

Let me say this, as I feel I must every year: I say "Happy Holidays," not to take Christmas away from Christians or to declare war on Christians, but because -- and this might come as a shock -- Christmas isn't the only holiday going on. I'm not being politically correct (a pejorative term from its very inception); I'm being realistic.

Now, let's talk about the holiday, itself. Listen closely Christians. As a larger cultural institution, Christmas has evolved into a general, secular holiday, open to anyone who wants to celebrate. This is pretty much what happens in an inter-faith (and I use that term to include non-believers, as well) such as ours. However, it's worth mentioning that this sort of secularism isn't purely an American phenomenon. In other words, no one is trying to silence or eradicate Christianity. So just stop bitching. PLEASE! (Please keep this all in mind come Easter time. I don't want to have to repeat myself.)

Okay, now that that's out of the way, here's the real meat of what I'd like to say to you Christians about Christmas: If you want Christmas back, take it. I don't want it. While I like Christmas music and absolutely adore Christmas decorations, I hate the holiday, itself. It's commercial and creates weird expectations (both material and non-material) between people who would normally consider themselves acquaintances, at best. "What about Christmas spirit?" you say. My response would be, "I don't need the month of December to remind me to be nice, gracious and charitable." And, frankly, if I see one more television show's or movie's take on It's a Wonderful Life, I may have to travel back through time and alternate dimensions in order to push George Bailey off that bridge my damn self.

My point is, celebrate the birth of your messiah as much as you want. Have at it. It's all yours. If Christianity goes back to being solely a Christian holiday, then maybe people will stop making that funny face and calling me a Grinch when I say I don't celebrate it. And maybe, just maybe, the eternal question will be answered: "Was there a Jesus Who?"

Why I'm Turning off Live Television This Weekend

I will not be watching television this weekend, at least not live. My DVR's been working overtime to record a bunch of movies. I've never seen Boardwalk Empire, and the new season starts next week, so I think I'll catch up via On Demand. I also have a book to make a heavy dent in. Now, I rarely watch live television anymore to begin with, but I am especially avoiding it this weekend because of 9/11. More accurately, I have been avoiding 9/11 coverage, and I hope to continue to do so.

I lived and worked in NYC for 10 years. So, yes, I was there on the morning of September 11, 2001. My commute took me past Chambers St., mere blocks from the WTC site. In fact, it was at the Chamber St. stop that a man on the platform stuck his head into our train car and alerted us that "a plane just flew into the World Trade Center." I got to work soon after the second plane, and I watched the towers fall. I didn't feel safe crossing the Brooklyn Bridge on foot, so I walked from Chelsea to the Upper East Side. Manhattan was devoid of vehicular traffic, with black helicopters flying overhead. Pretty much everyone was northbound, and we noted that every bar along the way was full, but without the usual vivacity. When the trains were deemed "safe," I rode home in a silence unlike the usual subway car, "I'm just sitting here minding my own business" silence, rather one of suspicion, fear and shell-shock.

I don't need to "Remember 9/11;" I already do. Constantly. While I appreciate that you'll "Never Forget," sometimes, that's really all I want to do.

The coverage this weekend is not for those for whom 9/11 had a direct impact, in the same way that coverage of a natural disaster or murder trial isn't for the people who've lived through it. And I know that my experience is really the best-case scenario for someone who was in NYC or DC that day. Still, I would rather avoid the images and "close call" stories. I have plenty locked away.

I'll admit that I'd been anticipating this anniversary for some time. And, were I in NYC, I would probably be with friends, being thankful for coming through a tragedy, remembering those who didn't and thoughtfully reflecting on how to take further positive steps forward as a society and as part of the larger global community.

But I'm not in NYC, and that's sort of the central issue, here. I'm not in NYC, and I feel as though I need to be. Because, right now, right here, all of the media coverage feels like only that: coverage. And I'm not saying that the whole country didn't feel terrified or uprooted or that everyone else didn't mourn, as well. I'm not saying that commemoration isn't the right thing to do. I'm saying that none of it helps me, especially being so far away from my adopted home.

So I'll be watching The Princess Bride and reading A Game of Thrones.

The Corner Table: You Are Cordially Invited

You may be happy to know that I have created a workable Excel spreadsheet with which to catalog my recipes. (You may not be happy to know this or you may not care, but just keep that negativity to your damn self, m'kay?) I've tackled one recipe folder out of 11 on my computer. So far, that's 104 out of 747. If you're keeping track, that means that I've deleted a few. They were mostly puddings and all the measurements were metric. I don't even really like puddings, and I'm not wasting time converting metric measurements for recipes I'm probably not going to make. Never mind that most measuring cups have both systems of measurement. That's the not the point. The point is that I am so enamored with recipes that I will copy a recipe just for the sake of copying it!... But , like most things in life, it's not necessarily that simple.

If nothing else, this project will be an exciting exploration of my food proclivities and culinary desires. (Again, if you don't agree with this observation, please... just... no.) For example, why did I have five different pudding recipes? I don't even like desserts all that much. What I do like, however, is imagining hosting gorgeous dinner parties. No, no. It's no special occasion. I just thought it would be nice to cram 10 of my closest friends into my Jersey City studio. Thanks for braving the PATH! I've got sleeping bags if you don't feel safe walking back to the train this late.

Wait... Where was I? Oh, yeah. Dinner parties. I think the idea of playing host, whether it be a dinner party or overnight guests, is one of the largest criteria for which recipes I acquire. I have planned elaborate spreads, from appetizers to dessert, with cocktails to start and warm beverages to close. For the unlikely possibility of hosting house guests, I am compelled to save jam recipes. Now, I usually eat plain peanut butter sandwiches or toast with just butter or a bagel with just cream cheese. I don't need jam. But the idea of giving a jar of homemade jam as a gift stimulates the Martha Stewart center of my brain. Likewise with scones, imagine staying at a friend's house and waking up to fresh scones. Or a parfait. Or an elaborate breakfast. (French toast casserole with brown sugar bacon, anyone?)

And it's not just acting as a host; there is also the matter of being a thoughtful guest. Who wouldn't love a basket of cookies as a thank-you gift? And who among us hasn't racked our brains to figure out the perfect take-along to a BBQ or party? This is how I've wound up with well over 200 appetizers and desserts, including consciously acquired vegetarian, vegan and gluten-free options. Mind you, many of these recipes (especially, as mentioned earlier, the desserts), I would never actually eat, myself. But, as an imagined guest, I must always have ideas at the ready. This is why my catalog also includes a "Special Occasion" category, so that I can easily filter for items appropriate for Christmas or Passover or a baby shower Flag Day pool party.

Goodness knows that most of these recipes will never come to life in my kitchen, and who knows whether I'll ever actually host that dinner party. But, like a Boy Scout, I am super-gay. I mean, always prepared.

The Corner Table: You Are What You Want to Eat

I love food. This is most visibly apparent by my bulging waistline and the constant rivulet of saliva traversing down the bottom right side of my face. Yup, I love food. I love eating it. I love smelling it. I love talking about it. I love dreaming about it... Okay, not really. I usually have nightmares about food, in that I never actually get to eat in any of my dreams involving food (usually served buffet style), but I digress.

Most importantly, I have found that I love cooking food. More accurately, I have rediscovered a love of cooking. When I was young, I would watch cooking shows on TV. Julia Child was my favorite (and, perhaps, my first), and I would madly transcribe the recipes as she reeled them off with such delight. I never got to try any of those recipes, but I eventually became quite the consummate baker during high school. That was driven mostly by my insatiable adolescent appetite. I would come home craving an after-school snack, so I'd bake some biscuits. Or some cookies. Or a cake!

As an adult, I lost the will to cook for myself, but never the love. Two of my proudest domestic moments from early on were making homemade cranberry sorbet and pumpkin cheesecake for Thanksgiving at my friends' house and, the next year, making a full Thanksgiving meal for four at my own apartment (with vegetarian accommodations, even!).

Over the past few years, I have come full circle, once again feverishly copying recipes. Thankfully, 20 years of technological advances have allowed me to jump from manually transcribing Julia Child to Googling a recipe, then simply cutting and pasting it into a document. (This has led to a serious recipe collecting addiction that blasts the Pokemon craze out of the freakin' water.) I've also been able to test -- and modify -- several great recipes, for both traditional homemade fare and restaurant-quality items. This is where I stand right now and where you, dear reader (because I assume there's only one of you), reap the benefit of my trial and error.

I have long wanted to add a food component to this blog. Food is as integral to a culture as its politics or religion(s) (or lack, thereof). Like any institution, it influences and is influenced by its people, their history and their surroundings. It brings us together -- and, when there's only one donut left, can tear us apart. It is entertainment; it is culture. And, of course, that is what I write about and explore.

So, welcome to the Corner Table! My current project is cataloging the 753 recipes I have saved on my computer (I told you I was addicted) and coming up with a successful system that will ultimately allow me to more easily access my recipes for whatever need I am trying to meet. This may take awhile, so that's probably what I'll focus on for the moment. But once I'm up and running again, I aim to delve into my foodie adventures. I hope you'll enjoy them as much as I do.

So, slap on your rib bib, grab a wet nap and let's do this!