And the Shutty Goes To...

I know that we, as Americans, are overrun with awards and awards shows. But I think it's time to add one more: The STFU Awards, or the Shutty. This distinction goes to, basically, whomever is annoying me at the moment. The recipient will then have to refrain from talking to the media or risk my ire. (Yes, I know I have no real power. But leave me my delusions, huh?)

The first honoree is Marky Mark for bad-mouthing George Clooney. In explaining his decision to turn down Matt Damon's role in Ocean's Eleven, he claims he just didn't feel like "sitting with Brad [Pitt] and George, telling the press how great everybody is! That's not for me." Yes, Marky, I can see that being sweet and gracious (if a little over-the-top with the buddy routine) is not your bag. And, yeah, I know that you haven't been Marky Mark for awhile, but until you shape up, I won't be calling you by your given name.

Second on the list is PETA. I pretty much hate everything that PETA does because I can't stand smugness, and a lot of their "facts" are, frankly, not actual facts. But picking on poor, dimwitted Jessica Simpson is just low. It's almost like making fun of a five-year-old. Plus, I kind of thought her "Real Girls Eat Meat" tee was precious. I am a fan of tees even though they're so 2001.

Oh, also. This?

4. Meat will make you fat. All the saturated fat and cholesterol in chicken wings, pork chops, and steak eventually leads to flabby thighs and love handles. I hope the upcoming "Jessica Simpson's Intimates" line comes in plus sizes! Going vegetarian is the best way to get slim and stay that way.

Classy. I'm glad to know that PETA is also obsessed with body image.

Katie Heigl? You just barely escaped receiving a Shutty, but only because I just thought of them this morning. Lucky, lucky you.

But just so you don't think I'm a total Negative Nelly. (For the record, I'm just a nelly.) I'll hand out a You Done Good Award. Tom Colicchio gets it. I just spent about an hour clicking links to interviews with Chef Tom. I won't link to all of them, only his blog. He's developed such a fun, affable TV persona over the years, and I appreciate that. So, Chef Tom? You done good!

(Okay, I lied. I really have to link to this Grub Street interview because his wife makes a filthy comment, which made Tom blush. And made me want to hang out with her and a pitcher of martinis.)

Andy Cohen

Okay. So here's my thing about Andy Cohen.

First of all, you need to know that I think he's hot.

However! He's all over everything. Look, dude. You're an executive. Do your job. Make shows. I don't need to see you on TV. I don't care how hot you are.

And the fact that he wears all of his shirts open? Showing every last chest hair?

Like I said, I think the man is attractive. I welcome seeing his chest hair. I LOVE chest hair. But he just throws that shit around like it's the second coming of Christ. And I believe that if Jesus really exists and is coming back, he's not going to flash his chsesticles like that. I'm just sayin'.

So, Andy Cohen, call me. We'll have dinner. Maybe a little slap and tickle. But don't promote your shows like a fucking "Price Is Right" showgirl.

How Gay Is That?

For this, my inaugural post, I've decided to discuss my favorite topic: The Gays.

I recently came upon a post on Past Deadline* about gay-friendly companies. (Here's the full report, if you're interested.) Bravo is, apparently, the gay-friendliest. You won't hear any arguments from me on that one. And I'll save my rant about programming veep Andy Cohen for a later date.

What did surprise me, however, was the absence of ABC/Disney. From daytime to primetime, ABC is chock full of gay, lesbian and transgender characters. And Disney, evil corporation though it may be, is the most overtly homo-happy company there is. If I were to have taken that poll, Disney would have been the first name to trip from my tongue.

So, really, it seems to me that Bravo has been promoting itself pretty hard. (As opposed to Disney stepping back a bit.) No doubt, Andy "Chest Hair Forward" Cohen had something to do with that. But, again, that's another post for another time.

*If you don't know about Past Deadline, I suggest you familiarize yourself with it right quick. Unfortunately, Ray Richmond doesn't post as much as he used to, but when he does, it's hilarious and insightful. Barry Garron is pretty entertaining, as well, but Ray really is the king.