Little Foxes

“Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom.” Song of Solomon 2:15 (NIV)

 

In any therapeutic environment, you’re bound to run into numerous clichés and pithy quotes to help “inspire” you. At the ministry I just left, one of the pastor’s favorite one-liners was “It’s the little foxes that spoil the vine,” meaning that it’s the small habits which one might think are harmless that ultimately degrade one’s relationship with God.

We all have things we do which we think are harmless. That little white lie. Stealing office supplies. That snarky comment you were sure no one really caught. These things can often lead to bigger issues. And I don’t mean that taking Post-Its from work means that you’ll eventually knock over a liquor store. (Why is it always a liquor store, by the way? I digress.) No, these little things sometimes open the door to excusing deeper, more dangerous behaviors.

I regularly examine the things in my life which might be potential blocks in my connection with the divine. For example, Facebook. Relax, I’m just talking about myself. And, yes, I’m fully aware that I’m discussing how I sometimes get caught up in the internet… on the internet. I have to be very conscious about how I use Facebook because there was a time when I’d post specifically so people could tell me how witty or insightful I was. I needed that validation to form my self-esteem. Because my self-worth is something that I’ve been working on, I am now careful about how much I post and how often I check, as well as what I’m expecting when I check. It sounds like a small thing, but, for me, it’s huge.

Which is exactly the point here.

So, try it out. What are your “little foxes” that you think could be holding you back from being all that the universe has for you to be? And, then, what can you do about them?

Postscript: Okay, have you ever read Song of Solomon? It’s really just one long – and somewhat explicit – love poem. It’s the ultimate period romance. Read it if you ever get tired of buxom maidens and roguish pirates. Most Christian theologians, however, see it as a metaphor for the relationship between Christ and the Church.

 

My Will and My Life

Step Three: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God 

In my last post, I introduced my concept of God as the Universal Body. I hope that it stuck with you because I’m going to refer to "God" and the "Body" a lot moving forward.

At any rate, when I look at God and my relationship to God, I can finally move past the intellectual quandary of trying to parse out how an unconscious being can have a will. Every being, conscious or not, has a will to live. Since I am part of a larger being, my welfare contributes to the welfare of that being, just as the welfare of the cells of my body contribute to my overall welfare.

I believe that God’s will is for us to delight in and to honor ourselves and each other.

When I talk about turning over my will and my life, I am saying that I recognize that my will and my life are not entirely my own. Every decision and action has an effect on the Body. This is not a new revelation for me, and it’s certainly not an original insight, but it is one I must remind myself of daily because it’s a difficult revelation to actually act out of.

So, with everything I do, I have to say to myself, “Peter, is this solely for you? Is this going to benefit the Body? What are your motives here?” Often, I forget and just react. But, as I grow spiritually, I am increasingly able to stop myself and evaluate what I’m doing and why.

Over the past several months, I’ve battled with myself, worrying that I was being selfish in some of my decisions. The most recent decision to leave the program I was in is a prime example. I do believe that sometimes we act selfishly and to the detriment of others. However, there are some actions that seem selfish, but are really about self-preservation. And it is imperative that we take care of ourselves first because self-survival ultimately contributes to the health of the Body.

I composed the following prayer for myself. It reminds me that, although I am driven by the greater will of God, it’s not because I’m an insignificant pawn. Quite the opposite. It’s because I am valuable.
 

I am new. I am growing.

I am special. I have value.

I am ready to take on life.

I am not a passive victim; I’m an active participant.

I create life. I affect other people.

I have an impact on the universe.

Turning over my will and my life isn’t about deleting myself and my perspective. No, it’s about embracing my role in the universe and wholeheartedly doing my part, no matter how seemingly small, to keep it all spinning.

 

Every Good Work

I’m eager to continue discussing the steps, but first, I’d like to share something about myself which may enlighten you on how I’ve gotten to the place in which I find myself. By that, I do mean going through Recovery, but I also mean my current faith journey.

One of our weekly outings is to Celebrate Recovery, an overtly Christian off-shoot of AA/NA. Each week, in the smaller discussion groups, we are asked to state what we struggle with. A common response is “alcohol” or “meth” or “cocaine”. I state, honestly, that the substance I have a problem with is alcohol, but that my real struggle has been with my sense of self-worth.

I don’t really know where my low self-esteem came from. I’ve always had support: from my parents, from teachers, from friends. As an adult, my employers have always loved me, and I’ve advanced quickly in every organization I’ve been a part of.

But there’s always been that sense that nothing was good enough.

Now, I’ve always felt like an other. I’m left-handed, a fact of which I am almost disturbingly proud. I’m usually one of only a few black people in a room. Sometimes, I’m the only one. I was deemed “talented and gifted,” which set me apart, as well. And, I was the only out gay student in my high school. (Though, in all fairness, I had an incredibly easy time of it, with relatively few bumps in the road.)

Suffice it to say, I’m unique. And perhaps that fact was a painful one for me, even while I tried to celebrate my uniqueness. In my mind, being unique didn’t mean that I was special; it meant that there was something off. Have you ever completed an assignment or project in less time than the time allotted and were convinced that that meant you’d done the whole thing wrong? That’s how I feel almost every day of my life.

That feeling of wrongness has been the motivation for a lot of bad, as well as for a lot of good. In trying to set right what was wrong in me, I very quickly grew into a perfectionist. A deeper understanding of perfectionism reveals that, when given a project, the perfectionist will either work diligently to exceed standards, or he will simply not perform at all, for fear of not being able to achieve excellence. Anyone who knows me will recognize the accuracy of that description.

Furthermore, because I feel inadequate, I constantly seek the approval of others. This drive has manifested as a deep desire to help people, good manners and etiquette, excellent grades, a superior education, and (what started as) a promising career in arts and entertainment. The downside has presented itself in unhealthy relationships (both romantic and platonic), increasing alcohol abuse, and half-hearted suicide attempts, the last of these usually being subconscious attempts to overdose on alcohol. Many times, I hoped that I’d just pass out and never wake up.

Today, however, in my spiritual journey, I am accepting the value that I have in this universe -- which keeps me pressing towards the constructive and moving away from the destructive. I was inspired by Psalm 34:12: “Who is the man who delights in life, loving a long life to enjoy what is good?” The psalm goes on to talk about righteousness, but I was stuck on “what is good”. I understand “what is good” to mean “what is good in God,” the works which God has done. The first thing I always think of is the wonder of nature. Yet, am I not part of nature? Am I not one of God’s good works? Aren’t we all?

We don’t honor God’s work by destroying it. Not only was I killing myself with alcohol, but I was killing myself with my words and my thoughts. Both were dishonoring God and God’s work. Now, I press to reach the potential that is within me. This is where I find myself now, and how I begin to explore turning over my will to a higher power.

The Art of Restoration

"The body is a community made up of its innumerable cells or inhabitants." - Thomas A. Edison

In spite of the significant gap between my last entry and this one, I’ve decided to pick up where I left off in my commentary on the Twelve Steps. Interestingly, I’d come to Step Two: “Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” I say “interestingly” because I am currently a resident at a Christian ministry for men who are coming out of addiction and/or imprisonment.

Being in this ministry has certainly been difficult for me because it’s “all Jesus all the time,” and I do not profess to be a Christian. However, I deeply believe in learning from every situation, and I am working on being content where I am. Altogether, this place has had a profound influence on my spiritual growth. I am more able to recognize my place in the scope of the universe and to accept that, although I am tiny, I am not insignificant.

Now, I have a major problem with the idea of a conscious being orchestrating all life in the universe. I’ve done some incredible mental acrobatics over the years in order to figure out where I fit spiritually. For the sake of time, I will say that I believe that we are all members of the universal body, and, although we have free will within it and have the ability to influence it, ultimately, it is in control. For the sake of simplicity, I will call this universal body “God”.

A few years ago, I developed a meditation that I do before bed each night and when I awake in the morning. I start by attempting to imagine the infinity of the universe. Note that I say “attempt”. Have you ever tried to imagine infinity? It’s impossible. But therein lies the beauty of this exercise.

Okay, I start with the universe, and, then, I move inward. I imagine the Milky Way, then our solar system, then our hemisphere, and so forth until I get down to myself. (Sometimes, when I’ve had a particularly trying day, I’ll try to get down to the cellular or even the atomic level. Yet another awesome endeavor.) I concentrate on myself for a while and then move back out. As I progress outward, I imagine energy emanating from my body and connecting with everything and everyone around me. I pay particular attention to my loved ones and very special attention to anyone I’ve had conflict with. I try to feel that connection with everything and everyone, all the way back out into the vast universe.

Feeling that connection is the entire foundation of my spiritual outlook. For example, the reason I emphasize being connected with people I’ve hurt or who’ve hurt me is to remind me that, despite our conflict, we are one. Because we are one, I absolutely must forgive those who have hurt me, and I must do my best to avoid injuring others. "Love thy neighbor as thyself" is, indeed, a universal precept.

I have to know that I’m connected, and I have to feel that connection at all times. Before I go to bed, this exercise clears and quiets my mind so that I can have a restful sleep. In the morning, it reminds me that I’m plugged in so that I go forward in my day with the right heart and mind.

Essentially, this is how I acknowledge the higher power that is restoring me to sanity. Whenever I feel myself starting to spin out of control, I remember that I am connected and that my power comes from within and without. I didn’t create this power; God endowed me with it, and staying connected keeps me fed.

I Have the Power

Powerlessness and control are two big topics in the Program. The first step says that we must admit that we are powerless over alcohol. In doing my steps, I was instructed to list what I'm powerless against. Being the smartass that I am, I listed items such as the weather, my DNA, and the march of time.

In the back of my head, of course, I was thinking that, although I can't control these things, there are things within my control that I can use to adapt. Bad weather? I can get an umbrella. Genetic predisposition to heart disease? Change my diet. Time? Oil of Olay still has a strong presence on the health and beauty aisle.

The bottom line, for me, isn't what I can't control; it's what I can. This is the problem that I often have in meetings and step work. There seems to be so much emphasis on figuring out what I can't do. There's a push to humble the addict. That push is inspired by an assumption that every addict has some sort of god complex. No, this isn't just a defensive reaction to the Program. In almost every, individual meeting I've attended, someone feels the need to point out that "as addicts/alcoholics," we "want to control everything". The Big Book even begins the chapter on surrender by comparing the alcoholic to an actor who wants to run the entire show.

The Serenity Prayer, which I take very seriously, prompts us to accept what we cannot change, to change what we can, and to learn the difference between the two. Over and over again, I hear people omit the second part. Or, worse, to insinuate that the deeper meaning is that there is nothing that we can change. (This gets into the idea of one’s “Higher Power,” which is a whole topic unto itself, so bear with me.)

I suppose that I do possess a need to be in control, to fix what can be fixed. I come from a family of perfectionists. That seems to be a very au courant claim to make in therapy, but, in my case, it's true. My mother and I only recently resolved my issue with feeling that nothing I ever did was good enough. She was always prompting me to do better. "A B+? Why not an A?" Once, I proudly announced that I'd written a highly lauded acceptance speech for a friend who'd successfully run for Math Club president, and she asked, "Why didn't you run?" This was her way of getting me to fulfill my potential. I internalized that voice, and it dictates most of what I do and how I relate to tasks and to others -- to the world, as a whole.

I want to be my best, and I want the best for others. Why shouldn't I strive for that? And that's where the Serenity Prayer comes into play. No, I cannot change the world (cue Mom: “Why not?”), but I can do my part. I can be the best that I can be and hope that that ripples outward. I can say, "This is how I react to too many shots, and this is how I can prevent that reaction."

I choose to focus, not on what I can't control, but on what I can. I may not be able to control the weather, but I can certainly make sure that I’m outfitted properly. I am not powerless.

They Tried to Make Me Go to Rehab: An Introduction

I’ll just lay it out there. I drink like a fish. For a long time, my ability to consume mass quantities of alcohol was a badge of honor. Then, it became just something that I did. I didn’t take pride in it, but I wasn’t ashamed, either. At some point, I became extremely defensive about it. Why should you care how I choose to spend my free time? Finally, after damaging several close relationships, losing professional credibility, and being unable to support myself, I decided to enter rehab.

”Decided” isn’t entirely accurate. It was more of a mandate from loved ones, really, following several medical scares and public intoxication violations. In fact I’ve been in and out of treatment centers and sober-living facilities for the better part of the last three years. During this time, I have had to closely examine who I am, what I’ve done, and what I think has motivated me. Mind you, I come from some exceptionally analytical people. I’ve had training as a counselor. I’ve been journaling since I was eight. Self-reflection comes easily to me, and I hunger for self-improvement.

In other words, Recovery should be a piece of cake for me. Well, remember that part about three years of living in treatment? It’s not easy.

In these pages, I aim to reflect on why that might be. I don’t know what lies ahead in my future. I’m not entirely sure that I can remain “sober” for the rest of my life. I’m not even sure that abstinence should be an ideal expectation. But that’s what this exploration is all about.

I’ve chosen to share my reflections publically, mainly because I have some pretty major qualms with traditional substance abuse treatment methods (primarily, AA/NA, or the “Program”). This is not meant to be an indictment of the Program, specifically, or Recovery, in general. Rather, I aim to examine the principles and expectations I’ve encountered. Furthermore, I don’t presume that any of my views should apply to everyone. I am not a licensed therapist, and I certainly don’t want to derail anyone from a program that works for him or her. I merely believe that the arena of substance abuse treatment may be very narrow and could possibly use some alternative perspectives. I hope that by discussing this topic in a public, non-Program forum, I can find others with similar outlooks on recovery.

If nothing else, I just want to find a way to live my life happily and successfully.

Next: Powerlessness and surrender

And the Television Audience Said, "Amen"

Dear TV gods,

I know that I pray to you a lot. Sometimes you come through; sometimes you don't. We've had our ups and downs. I've denounced you on many an occasion and praised you on many others. But I'm coming to you again. And I know you're still busy working on bringing back Community (you are working on bringing back Community, right?), but I have one more favor to ask for now. Please, please, for the love of all that is pixelated and holy, make Smash a success.

Okay, I know there are the obvious "you're so gay" reasons for my wanting this show to succeed. It's about the conception and development of a play. A musical. A musical about Marilyn Monroe. And it stars Debra Messing, a.k.a. Grace! My 2(x)ist jock is positively wet with all the gay in this paragraph alone.

But it's not just that this is a homosexual's television dream come true. No, no. I want it to succeed for another reason: I need to be able to keep my sanity. I want it to do well so that I don't have to slog through weeks of every entertainment news outlet talking about how something so hyped failed so miserably. Between Entertainment Weekly, The Hollywood Reporter, Variety, the New York Times and other sources I'm sure I'm forgetting, I just couldn't take all the analysis of a bomb that would definitely go on for at least a month were "Smash" to underperform.

Never mind all the comparisons to Glee. For crap's sake, it's already started, even before the premiere made its way around the internet and On Demand. Already, it's the television equivalent of a parent's pitting his or her children against each other. The last thing I need to read is "Why couldn't you be more like your brother, Glee? He knows how to bring in a wide audience! And after all the publicity we've invested in you." (Publicity, I might add, that may have already doomed tonight's official premiere since, I'd suspect, most of those interested in watching it have already seen it.)

Well, why couldn't I just ignore any dissection of poor results? C'mon, TV gods, you should know me better by now. I am a masochist and will read every single article and opinion I can get my grubby little paws on.

So, please. I beg of you. Make Smash a smash. (Yeah, I just said that!) For my delicate constitution. You sort of owe me now that Chuck is off the air and Rosie is annoying me again.