A Niche Within A Niche

You Are How You Speak

2011-12-05T17:48:00.012-05:00

I post a lot on Facebook. A lot. Particularly about grammar and the trials of using language, in general. Today, however, I seem to have discussed usage a lot more than I normally do, and I really started examining how I write and speak. To be honest, this didn't suddenly occur to me today. I've been thinking about this problem for quite some time now and have been trying to improve myself as a speaker and writer.

I once read that one should avoid slang because it dates the user. Slang is a particular problem for me, as it is, to some degree, for most people. In an effort to be more articulate and less colloquial, I am attempting to wean myself off certain words and phrases. Perhaps by chronicling my efforts, I can better stick to this grammatical workout regimen.

Word/Phrase #1: Issues, as in "I have my own issues to deal with" or "This article I just read has so many issues, I can't even deal." (Stay tuned for Phrase #2.) I'm not sure when everyone started having "issues," but I first heard it in a psychiatric or counselling context. It was a less judgmental way to refer to a person's problems. A client isn't troubled; he has issues. The term caught on outside of this context to mean any general problem a person might have with anything. ("I have issues with David E. Kelley's twisted take on the law.") It has now enjoyed such overuse, in all manner of contexts, that it has lost virtually all meaning.

To highlight this point, let's examine the first paragraph as it more or less originally composed itself in my head:

I post a lot on Facebook. A lot. It's an issue for me. Particularly about grammar and issues with using language, in general. Today, however, I seem to have discussed usage a lot more than normal, and I really started examining how I write and speak. To be honest, this issue didn't suddenly occur to me today. I've been thinking about this issue for quite some time now and have been trying to solve my writing and speaking issues.

This is no longer simply about slang use; it's a matter of overall clarity. "Issue" is, for all intents and purposes, a non-word. And I've got issues with that.

Possible alternatives:
"I have issues with this point." = "I disagree with this point."
"I have so many issues with my mother." = "My mother and I have never gotten along."
"That guy has issues." = "He is an unsavory character."

My God!!!

2011-12-01T05:18:00.004-05:00

Apparently, people are upset because Obama didn't praise God, and he started speaking in tongues on Thanksgiving. No? He didn't? Seriously? ...

But it's still suck a thing:

I've already told you the history of Thanksgiving.

They were religious zealots, bad enough that the country wanted to get rid of.

Keep in mind: These (the English) are the same people who sent their prisoners to another WHAT THEY THOUGHT WAS COMPLETELY uninhabitable continent. We now take seriously a country called Australia.

Think about that. They sent these "pilgrims" to a place they thought was uninhabitable. England sent the pilgrims (the same way the sent their convicts) to what they thought was a desolate place TO DIE! (Did you forget the Australians?) And when they were rescued by the natives, they took a homeland feast celebration. I believe it was all amicable.

But this is what Republicans have to remember when pissing about Obama's not talking about "God". Bush didn't do it.

Also, Thanksgiving was a festival harvest. It wasn't a "God" thing...

So, I have to regrettably say again, "Shut up, Christians!"

Happy Freakin' Holidays!

2011-11-29T11:51:00.006-05:00

At some point in my youth, my awareness of the world around me grew, as happens with normal human development, and I realized that people had stopped declaring "Merry Christmas" in December and had switched over to "Happy Holidays!" Cities and even small towns stopped erecting nativity scenes on government property, usually due to lawsuits. (Because, what's more American than the separation of church and state? Suing to reinforce what should be common sense.) Schools put on holiday pageants, not Christmas pageants. And, of course, Christians got all up in arms about a war on Christmas and, by extension, Christianity. (Because, what's more American than lawsuits? People in power claiming persecution and discrimination whenever that power is questioned.)

Let me say this, as I feel I must every year: I say "Happy Holidays," not to take Christmas away from Christians or to declare war on Christians, but because -- and this might come as a shock -- Christmas isn't the only holiday going on. I'm not being politically correct (a pejorative term from its very inception); I'm being realistic.

Now, let's talk about the holiday, itself. Listen closely Christians. As a larger cultural institution, Christmas has evolved into a general, secular holiday, open to anyone who wants to celebrate. This is pretty much what happens in an inter-faith (and I use that term to include non-believers, as well) such as ours. However, it's worth mentioning that this sort of secularism isn't purely an American phenomenon. In other words, no one is trying to silence or eradicate Christianity. So just stop bitching. PLEASE! (Please keep this all in mind come Easter time. I don't want to have to repeat myself.)

Okay, now that that's out of the way, here's the real meat of what I'd like to say to you Christians about Christmas: If you want Christmas back, take it. I don't want it. While I like Christmas music and absolutely adore Christmas decorations, I hate the holiday, itself. It's commercial and creates weird expectations (both material and non-material) between people who would normally consider themselves acquaintances, at best. "What about Christmas spirit?" you say. My response would be, "I don't need the month of December to remind me to be nice, gracious and charitable." And, frankly, if I see one more television show's or movie's take on It's a Wonderful Life, I may have to travel back through time and alternate dimensions in order to push George Bailey off that bridge my damn self.

My point is, celebrate the birth of your messiah as much as you want. Have at it. It's all yours. If Christianity goes back to being solely a Christian holiday, then maybe people will stop making that funny face and calling me a Grinch when I say I don't celebrate it. And maybe, just maybe, the eternal question will be answered: "Was there a Jesus Who?"

Why I'm Turning off Live Television This Weekend

2011-09-10T09:38:00.013-04:00

I will not be watching television this weekend, at least not live. My DVR's been working overtime to record a bunch of movies. I've never seen Boardwalk Empire, and the new season starts next week, so I think I'll catch up via On Demand. I also have a book to make a heavy dent in. Now, I rarely watch live television anymore to begin with, but I am especially avoiding it this weekend because of 9/11. More accurately, I have been avoiding 9/11 coverage, and I hope to continue to do so.

I lived and worked in NYC for 10 years. So, yes, I was there on the morning of September 11, 2001. My commute took me past Chambers St., mere blocks from the WTC site. In fact, it was at the Chamber St. stop that a man on the platform stuck his head into our train car and alerted us that "a plane just flew into the World Trade Center." I got to work soon after the second plane, and I watched the towers fall. I didn't feel safe crossing the Brooklyn Bridge on foot, so I walked from Chelsea to the Upper East Side. Manhattan was devoid of vehicular traffic, with black helicopters flying overhead. Pretty much everyone was northbound, and we noted that every bar along the way was full, but without the usual vivacity. When the trains were deemed "safe," I rode home in a silence unlike the usual subway car, "I'm just sitting here minding my own business" silence, rather one of suspicion, fear and shell-shock.

I don't need to "Remember 9/11;" I already do. Constantly. While I appreciate that you'll "Never Forget," sometimes, that's really all I want to do.

The coverage this weekend is not for those for whom 9/11 had a direct impact, in the same way that coverage of a natural disaster or murder trial isn't for the people who've lived through it. And I know that my experience is really the best-case scenario for someone who was in NYC or DC that day. Still, I would rather avoid the images and "close call" stories. I have plenty locked away.

I'll admit that I'd been anticipating this anniversary for some time. And, were I in NYC, I would probably be with friends, being thankful for coming through a tragedy, remembering those who didn't and thoughtfully reflecting on how to take further positive steps forward as a society and as part of the larger global community.

But I'm not in NYC, and that's sort of the central issue, here. I'm not in NYC, and I feel as though I need to be. Because, right now, right here, all of the media coverage feels like only that: coverage. And I'm not saying that the whole country didn't feel terrified or uprooted or that everyone else didn't mourn, as well. I'm not saying that commemoration isn't the right thing to do. I'm saying that none of it helps me, especially being so far away from my adopted home.

So I'll be watching The Princess Bride and reading A Game of Thrones.

The Corner Table: You Are Cordially Invited

2011-09-05T11:51:00.009-04:00

You may be happy to know that I have created a workable Excel spreadsheet with which to catalog my recipes. (You may not be happy to know this or you may not care, but just keep that negativity to your damn self, m'kay?) I've tackled one recipe folder out of 11 on my computer. So far, that's 104 out of 747. If you're keeping track, that means that I've deleted a few. They were mostly puddings and all the measurements were metric. I don't even really like puddings, and I'm not wasting time converting metric measurements for recipes I'm probably not going to make. Never mind that most measuring cups have both systems of measurement. That's the not the point. The point is that I am so enamored with recipes that I will copy a recipe just for the sake of copying it!... But , like most things in life, it's not necessarily that simple.

If nothing else, this project will be an exciting exploration of my food proclivities and culinary desires. (Again, if you don't agree with this observation, please... just... no.) For example, why did I have five different pudding recipes? I don't even like desserts all that much. What I do like, however, is imagining hosting gorgeous dinner parties. No, no. It's no special occasion. I just thought it would be nice to cram 10 of my closest friends into my Jersey City studio. Thanks for braving the PATH! I've got sleeping bags if you don't feel safe walking back to the train this late.

Wait... Where was I? Oh, yeah. Dinner parties. I think the idea of playing host, whether it be a dinner party or overnight guests, is one of the largest criteria for which recipes I acquire. I have planned elaborate spreads, from appetizers to dessert, with cocktails to start and warm beverages to close. For the unlikely possibility of hosting house guests, I am compelled to save jam recipes. Now, I usually eat plain peanut butter sandwiches or toast with just butter or a bagel with just cream cheese. I don't need jam. But the idea of giving a jar of homemade jam as a gift stimulates the Martha Stewart center of my brain. Likewise with scones, imagine staying at a friend's house and waking up to fresh scones. Or a parfait. Or an elaborate breakfast. (French toast casserole with brown sugar bacon, anyone?)

And it's not just acting as a host; there is also the matter of being a thoughtful guest. Who wouldn't love a basket of cookies as a thank-you gift? And who among us hasn't racked our brains to figure out the perfect take-along to a BBQ or party? This is how I've wound up with well over 200 appetizers and desserts, including consciously acquired vegetarian, vegan and gluten-free options. Mind you, many of these recipes (especially, as mentioned earlier, the desserts), I would never actually eat, myself. But, as an imagined guest, I must always have ideas at the ready. This is why my catalog also includes a "Special Occasion" category, so that I can easily filter for items appropriate for Christmas or Passover or a baby shower Flag Day pool party.

Goodness knows that most of these recipes will never come to life in my kitchen, and who knows whether I'll ever actually host that dinner party. But, like a Boy Scout, I am super-gay. I mean, always prepared.

The Corner Table: You Are What You Want to Eat

2011-09-03T14:21:00.006-04:00

I love food. This is most visibly apparent by my bulging waistline and the constant rivulet of saliva traversing down the bottom right side of my face. Yup, I love food. I love eating it. I love smelling it. I love talking about it. I love dreaming about it... Okay, not really. I usually have nightmares about food, in that I never actually get to eat in any of my dreams involving food (usually served buffet style), but I digress.

Most importantly, I have found that I love cooking food. More accurately, I have rediscovered a love of cooking. When I was young, I would watch cooking shows on TV. Julia Child was my favorite (and, perhaps, my first), and I would madly transcribe the recipes as she reeled them off with such delight. I never got to try any of those recipes, but I eventually became quite the consummate baker during high school. That was driven mostly by my insatiable adolescent appetite. I would come home craving an after-school snack, so I'd bake some biscuits. Or some cookies. Or a cake!

As an adult, I lost the will to cook for myself, but never the love. Two of my proudest domestic moments from early on were making homemade cranberry sorbet and pumpkin cheesecake for Thanksgiving at my friends' house and, the next year, making a full Thanksgiving meal for four at my own apartment (with vegetarian accommodations, even!).

Over the past few years, I have come full circle, once again feverishly copying recipes. Thankfully, 20 years of technological advances have allowed me to jump from manually transcribing Julia Child to Googling a recipe, then simply cutting and pasting it into a document. (This has led to a serious recipe collecting addiction that blasts the Pokemon craze out of the freakin' water.) I've also been able to test -- and modify -- several great recipes, for both traditional homemade fare and restaurant-quality items. This is where I stand right now and where you, dear reader (because I assume there's only one of you), reap the benefit of my trial and error.

I have long wanted to add a food component to this blog. Food is as integral to a culture as its politics or religion(s) (or lack, thereof). Like any institution, it influences and is influenced by its people, their history and their surroundings. It brings us together -- and, when there's only one donut left, can tear us apart. It is entertainment; it is culture. And, of course, that is what I write about and explore.

So, welcome to the Corner Table! My current project is cataloging the 753 recipes I have saved on my computer (I told you I was addicted) and coming up with a successful system that will ultimately allow me to more easily access my recipes for whatever need I am trying to meet. This may take awhile, so that's probably what I'll focus on for the moment. But once I'm up and running again, I aim to delve into my foodie adventures. I hope you'll enjoy them as much as I do.

So, slap on your rib bib, grab a wet nap and let's do this!

Really? This is "Super"?

2011-02-06T18:33:00.001-05:00

I fucking hate football.

6:44 -- Wait. This is the Packers and the Steelers? Remind me how this is not gay?

"Look, Mom! I Got a Golden Globe!"

2011-01-17T00:08:00.006-05:00

The above quote is brought to you by Melissa Leo, winner of Best Supporting Actress for The Fighter. And that, my friends, encapsulates what awards shows are supposed to be about. There were a few great moments like that during the show, but, honestly, most of it was forced and hackneyed. I'm lookin' at you, weird intro with Jimmy Fallon and January Jones, and I'm not entirely sure about what to make of Robert DeNiro's speech for the Cecil B. DeMille Award.

Now, this is the first time since, I guess, high school that I've watched an awards show without a drink or five in my hand. Are they always this difficult to sit through? And, I've said it before, and I'll keep saying it until someone listens to me: For the love of god, post your thank-you lists to your personal websites! Other than your partner, parents and children, I don't want to hear it. If you have to thank your housekeeper and the Korean lady who scours the callouses from the soles of your feet, do it somewhere else. That's why blogs were invented.

Besides Leo's speech, other great acceptances were Jim Parsons and Chris Colfer. Both were deserving of their wins, and both were stunned and sincere in their speeches. Jim Parsons was especially adorable, as he gratefully accepted the award from his co-star Kaley Cuoco. Chris Colfer's speech was somewhat de rigeur in its social commentary, but still amazing with his final declaration to the naysayers: "Screw you!" (Also, on E!'s After-Party, he claimed that he's going to sleep with the award for a week, just to know that it's real. "Usually, when I win one of these, I wake up." Cute!)

Chris Colfer was only one aspect of a fairly gay night. The gays really cleaned up, y'all! Besides the nominations of several gay men and women and gay-themed or -friendly fare, Colfer's co-star Jane Lynch won and thanked her wife and children. Annette Bening won for her fantastic portrayal of a lesbian partner and co-parent (recognizing her co-star, Julianne Moore), and The Kids Are All Right won for Best Motion Picture, Comedy or Musical. I was ecstatic for every single one of these wins. Though, let's be honest here. I would have been happy for anyone but Burlesque. If Burlesque had won, I would have performed seppuku right then and there. And, then there's Glee. Best Television Series, Comedy or Musical.

Really?

I love Glee, and I've stood by it, even during this horrid season. But the HFPA is seriously going to sit there and tell me that Glee is a better show than The Big C, Modern Family, The Big Bang Theory and 30 Rock? Honestly? You're going to stand by that? Alright. Moving on, then.

Speaking of The Big C, I'd like to take this moment to apologize for my earlier comment about Laura Linney's absence. It wasn't really meant to be funny to begin with, just an observation, but I also hadn't realized that her father passed away this weekend, which is why she couldn't be at the ceremony. That's got to be a terrible thing to deal with, regardless, but especially during what should be a celebratory time for her.

Finally, I'd like to address the topic of Ricky Gervais. I'm quite surprised that they brought him back, honestly. But I appreciated his humor, and, frankly, I think the audience were pretty poor sports about it. Maybe they weren't drunk enough, I don't know. But I think he was just this side of the line, and it worked for me. I'm sure he's done for on the awards shows circuit, though.

Well, kids. That's it. Those were the Globes. Not terribly intriguing or entertaining. My biggest take-away is that I really have to bone up before the Oscars. I definitely have to go to AMC's annual Best Picture marathon. But my Netflix is still going to be pretty busy as I scope out other nominees.

Thanks for reading, everyone. I really appreciate it.

Now for my favorite quotes:

Runner-Up: "You may remember him from the film as the guy when he's asked 'Would you sleep with that girl,' he says, 'Pssh! No.' He's such a good actor. He totally wanted to sleep with me." -- Natalie Portman, acknowledging her babydaddy

Quote of the Night: "There's gotta be an easier way to get a standing ovation." -- Michael Douglas

Around the Globes in 180 Minutes

2011-01-16T20:02:00.020-05:00

The main event...

8:03 - Thank god for alcohol, eh, Ricky? I'm actually enjoying him, but the audience might need a few snootfuls to loosen up.

8:05 - I didn't see Geoffrey Rush on the red carpet. Very Marshall-Erikson-getting-married.
Ooh! Shot of the countdown clock.

8:14 - And the computer's attitude continues...
I really enjoyed how happy Ed O'Neill was for Katey Sagal. That was sweet. (And a great call from the director to grab that shot.)

8:17 - This annoys me every year: Miss Golden Globe. Isn't it time to allow some sons to help present at the Globes?

8:25 - Chris Colfer FTW!!! You'll excuse me for a moment. I can't see my screen through the tears.

8:30 - Remember when Michelle Pfeiffer was interesting? That was before Botox.

8:48 - I do believe that Diane Warren was just mouthing, "Oh, shit. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod..."

8:50 - Trent Reznor beat out both Hans Zimmer and Danny Elfman for Best Score? That, my friends, is the very definition of an upset.

8:58 - "Toy Story 3"? I think the word you're looking for is "Dur."

9:04 - Jesse Tyler Ferguson just snapped a shot with Jenna Ushkowitz from "Glee" on his iPhone. I am seriously going to steal him away from his boyfriend. Sorry, NPH, I have a new TV crush. You had your chance, and you missed out.

9:11 - Al Pacino wins for Best Actor in a TV Movie and gets a standing ovation -- except for Paul Giamatti, whom he has to push past. Nice one.

9:20 - Did L'Oreal run that commercial because JLo was a presenter tonight or because most of the audience is women? These are the things I wonder. (And, yes, obviously, it's both. Leave me be.)

9:24 - Good call getting Zac Efron to present the gay movie. Bad call on that crew cut.

9:39 - There are Helen Mirren and her boobs! I can't go through a GG or Oscars broadcast without them.

9:48 - Jim Parsons! So deserving.

10:14 - That's Darren Aronofsky? Nice pornstache.

10:16 - I really wish award winners would stop telling their kids to go to bed. It's trite.

10:18 - Glee wins, and gays and misfits around the country break out into ear-splitting song.
But, seriously. Did the whole cast have to go on stage? Gimme a break.

10:54 - What a beautiful moment of support for Michael Douglas. "There's gotta be an easier way to get a standing ovation."

Kickin' 'Em in the Globes

2011-01-16T15:46:00.025-05:00

Oh, the Golden Globes. The tipsy uncle of the awards show season. So much fun, and often a good predictor of how the Emmys and Oscars will go.

Okay! So, after some technical difficulties, we're up and running. And away we go!

Red Carpet
6:19 - Playing catch-up:
Olivia Wild's dress was amazing.
I'm in love with the 360 cam.
Good lord, I'm always amazed by how short Seacrest is.
Poor Kelly Osbourne and George What's-his-face are stumbling all over themselves.
I will drive a pencil through my temples if I hear "babybump" one more time.

6:21 - Note to self: Closed captioning will do you no good tonight.

6:28 - Yeesh. Mark Salling looks like a little boy in his tux.

6:30 - Alec Baldwin/Jim Parsons "tension". Quick, in a fight, who kicks whose ass?

6:34 - "Lei" jokes? Really? Well, it is E!

6:35 - Elisabeth Moss!!! She looks gorgeous. I love that green on her. I read that she is/was married to Fred Armisen from SNL. What an odd pairing.

6:37 - There goes Helena Bonham-Carter in the background, looking insane as usual. But I love her.

6:43 - Sarah Hyland is so adorable! She's phenomenal on Modern Family. "I'm sorry you hate me. I don't know you." Awesome.

6:45 - What's up with all the ponytails tonight? Are people worried that they're going to get too smashed tonight to deal with their hair once they get home?

6:47 - Yay! Jesse Tyler Ferguson! I am so in love with him. Frotch!

6:48 - And pull out to show Matt Bomer. Two queers on screen at once. Is that allowed on primetime?

6:53 - Wondering whether my popcorn will last through the show. Probably not.

6:55 - So it looks like Jane Krakowski and Natalie Portman decided to show off the bellies.
Also? No more Limo Cam. Annoying.

6:56 - Is Lea Michele going to prom? Did her mom and dad lift curfew tonight?

6:57 - Not liking the flower on Natalie's dress. But her hair is simple and beautiful. And that necklace is divine.

6:58 - Jason Segel and Jimmy Fallon sharing a stage? What bizarro world is this? Oh, god. That was... something.

7:06 - Count me among the people who didn't realize that Emma Stone was a natural blonde. She's been either brunette or a redhead in everything I've seen her in. Is it weird to say that I don't like her natural hair color? She looks washed out.

7:10 - Switched over to NBC. Sandra Bullock's looking good. I guess it's Ryan Reynold's Canadian lovin'.
I'll bet you Chris Colfer's sick of answering "What's it like to be a gay role model?"

7:12 - Back on E! What's going on with the Biebs? I must have missed why he's here.

7:14 - "The two Janes." Heh. I like the sparkle at the bottom of Jane Lynch's gown. But again with unnecessary floral embellishments!

7:22 - More freakiness with my computer...
Michael Douglas looks quite well, and he's making jokes. That's great to see.
I didn't like Sofia Vergara's dress when I first saw it, but close-up, it's uniquely beautiful.
Um... What happened to the 360 cam?

7:26 - Just caught a glimpse of Christina Aguilera. It's Booblesque!

7:27 - It's so weird to me that Mila Kunis of That 70s Show and Family Guy fame is nominated for a GG. Just goes to show you how people can be underestimated.
And another shot of Elisabeth Moss. I love her, really. But, what's with all the camera attention?

7:32 - A lot of pink/flesh-toney gowns tonight. Eh.

7:40 - I freaking LOVE Halle Berry's dress! So sassy and sexy.
Halle as Aretha? Hm... I think that Jennifer Hudson would beat a girl down. But that voice is too unique. They'd have to dub in the vocals no matter who the actress was.

7:42 - Not fond of Anne Hathaway's dress. Not in the least.

7:53 - And, unlike his friend HBC, Johnny Depp actually look not-insane for a change.
Vavoom, January Jones!!!

Yumsy in My Tumsy

2010-12-16T16:31:00.008-05:00

Better late than never, right? Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday ever, end of story. I love it because it's secular, it doesn't involve presents, and it involves tons of food and alcohol. It is a uniquely North American holiday, celebrated only in Canada and the United States. Contrary to all the Claymation presentations you saw as a child, it was actually a tradition brought over from England. One that the English no longer even think about. So, yes, it's ours now, and ours alone. Well, ours with Canada.

So, to answer the comment of one lone reader, Thanksgiving wasn't actually that hard for me. It was time-consuming, but not hard.

I made all of the sides the night before. I think, of the sides, the dressing was the most difficult, simply because of all the sauteeing involved. The broccoli casserole was annoying, really. I love cheese and everything that it brings to a dish, but having to work with it is a bear. Cheese doesn't give easily, and you really need to dig in to make it melt and stir properly. And believe me when I say that six cups of rice is more than any normal human can handle.

I also really hate standing over a stove, which is why, in my everyday life, I make a lot of casseroles and meatloaves. So the apple reduction made me question my purpose in life. But it turned out to be my favorite part of my holiday meal.

I have to thank Fresh Direct for so many of my ingredients. In my neighborhood, pork tenderloin isn't a food and goes for $10.50 per half hour in a back alley. And brining is something you do to some dude who takes your parking spot.

I may be doing the same thing for New Year's Eve. Cooking, I mean. It will be much simpler than Thanksgiving, but my love of flavors and ingenuity will still be present.

My Favorite Holiday, People

2010-11-26T17:45:00.011-05:00

I know I'm bitter and evil, but there's a gooey center to me. Please take in what I made for Thanksgiving. Yes, I made all of it.

1. Orange-Thyme Turkey
2. Cornbread Dressing
3. Broccoli-Rice Casserole
4. Spiced Yams
5. Homemade Cranberry Sauce
6. Pork Tenderloins with Apple Cider Reduction
7. Death by Chocolate Cookie

And the Award Goes To...

2010-07-16T04:37:00.005-04:00

The Emmys are fast approaching. The celebration of my favorite medium. I know I've had some harsh words, and I stand by them. But, still, I am obligated by my passion for television -- and my membership in gaydom -- to watch the awards ceremony.

However, for quite some time, I've had a minor complaint. For at least the past decade or so, shows like "Ally McBeal" and "Desperate Housewives" have blurred the lines between genres. Not fully dramas, not fully comedies. "Dramedies," if you will. These hybrid shows are enjoyable and usually well-written and well-acted, which is why they keep getting nominated for Emmys.

And there's the problem: How do you classify these programs and their actors for the purposes of Emmy nominations?

Well, as it stands, they get shuffled under "comedy," but that doesn't really work. Take, for example, the DH ladies. Teri Hatcher makes sense as a comedic actress nominee because her role is primarily for laughs. An argument could even be made that the same goes for Felicity Huffman, but certainly not Marcia Cross. Cross's shining moments are in her dramatic scenes, and Huffman excels in both drama and comedy.

This year, I'm delighted to see so many of the "Glee" stars nominated, as well as the show itself. But the problem rises again, specifically with the two nominees for whom I am rooting the hardest (and who are least likely to win, if we're being honest). Chris Colfer and Mike O'Malley as Kurt Hummel and his father Burt. Both are amazing in their roles, and, of course, both have their comic moments which they milk for all they're worth. But what they truly deserve to be honored for are those heart-wrenching father/son moments. And it seems inadequate, at best, to judge them alongside true comic performances by the likes of Jon Hamm on "30 Rock," Neil Patrick Harris or the stars of "Modern Family".

The nominations of "United States of Tara" and "Nurse Jackie" and their cast members are likewise perplexing. Even more than "Glee," these shows tend towards the dramatic. One would be generous in defining them as "dark comedies."

These hybrids have had to do a dance to decide in which category to submit reels, and they seem to always define themselves as comedies. The cynical part of me wants to say that TPTB believe that comedy is an easier category to win. (The laden awards shelf over at "Desperate Housewives" HQ supports my cynicism.) Another part of me, however, says that they just don't know what else to do. Err on the side of caution and all that.

I have long proposed a separate category altogether. But no one listens to me, so...

I'm Proud to Be an Ameri-fag!

2010-06-28T08:14:00.007-04:00

This weekend was such a message to me.

1) Always check in with your friends.

2) All outdoor events suck.

3) Appreciate what you have, and fight for what you don't.

I bitched about the heat, but I was really happy to be there with my friend. I complained about the cover charges, but I knew I was in a bar where people knew me and would take care of me. I know I make fun of the amounts of parades we have in this city, but I live in a diverse city, a city that cares about its diversity. I live in a country where I matter, and when that goes wrong, I have recourse. I live in a world that is increasingly showing itself how every one of us counts.

I live. And I'm proud. Not just to be gay. Not just to black. But to live in a time when every single person on this planet matters. A time when we, as a whole, are finally starting to recognize that. It hasn't happened completely, but it IS happening.

That is my pride.

Eat, Drink and Be Wary

2010-06-28T00:55:00.004-04:00

I went to a Pride Parade watching party with my friend Joyce. The highlight, of course, was seeing my friend Joyce. The venue itself was great. There were big fans (as is the "whoosh whoosh" kind), there was good nosh, there were good drinks... However, most of the action was downstairs, watching the World Cup.

Then Joyce started flagging, and I really didn't want to be out that much. But somehow, we ended up in the Village. That didn't last long for either of us.

And that was my Parade commentary. Sorry.

Breakfast is the Most Important Meal of the Gay

2010-06-25T10:20:00.002-04:00

As suspected, pancakes are only worth it if made with love for or by someone else -- or from IHoP. My pancakes, while delicious, were just not worth the time spent on them.

I also had bacon and sausage. Bacon, because I love bacon and just need it around the house. So, since I was in the store, I figured I'd just buy some. I bought sausage patties because links are too unwieldy, especially when you're eating on your bed. (And, yes, I've thought through just how dirty that sounds.)

So, while I'm full (though, probably not focused), I wish I'd saved my seven-and-change for a drink. Speaking of drinks, I still have four beers left from last night. What's Homo for "Slainte"?

The Tintinnabulation of the Belles

2010-06-25T08:34:00.004-04:00

Today officially kicks off Pride Weekend in New York City, and I couldn't be more excited. Broke, oppressed, horny and hungover, I feel like those mighty drag queens who rose up in revolt, lo, those 41 years ago. (I'm also pissed about Judy's death, but that's neither here nor there.)

Really, though, I have psyched myself up for this like no one's business. But no one's ready to play at 8:30-some on a Friday morning. I'm thinking I'm going to make pancakes. But I think it's lame to make myself pancakes today. It would be like my mother getting all excited for Mother's Day and making pancakes for herself. It ain't fittin', Miss Scarlett. It just ain't fittin'.

Then there's the matter of the rest of the day, until this evening's karaoke celebration. What'll I do till then? Ideas? Hit me up!

The Kagan Question

2010-05-21T11:48:00.001-04:00

From the moment I heard the words “50,” “single” and “no children,” I knew that Elena Kagan’s sexual orientation was going to become question. Maybe more annoying like a gnat than potentially painful or dangerous like a bee, but attention-grabbing all the same. Of course, I had the same reaction as I did when “Jewish” popped up on the news graphic: Do these things matter?

My final answer is “no.” Mind you, I’m not saying that a candidate’s personal life isn’t interesting or even, to a mild degree, important. When one enters politics, one all but invites the intimate probing. People are naturally curious (read: gossipy) and want to know these things, especially in a democracy in which people feel it’s their basic right to know. But even more so in an age where the culture is increasingly more apt to reveal private matters in an extraordinarily public fashion. In my opinion, however, the bottom line, is this: Unless it can be proven that any facet of a candidate’s personal life will cripple his or her ability to perform his or her duties, then the details thereof are irrelevant and nothing more than interesting pieces of a whole. In the case of Elena Kagan, that means, would being a lesbian cloud her objectivity?

For the record, according to Karen Tumulty of the “Washington Post” (May 14, 2010), the White House publicly stated that Kagan is, in fact, heterosexual. “False charges,” claimed spokesperson Ben LaBolt. (Ahem.)

End of discussion? Well, my mind is one that travels freely through the Land of What-If (thankfully, no citizenship papers are necessary to do so), and I can’t help wondering, “What if Kagan were an out lesbian? What then?” Is there really any question?

Oscar Night 2010 - III

2010-03-08T06:36:00.004-05:00

Thanks, you guys, for reading.

I have so much to say. Not just that a woman finally won Best Director. But she won Best Director, Best Film and Best Ex-Spouse-Fuck-You!

Mo'Nique's win wasn't at all surprising. But it really said to me that comedians can do serious drama. And I know that's happened before. But the fact is that they always have to prove it. But the good ones who do it? They're the ones who actually DO it. She fucking did it. Her performance was beyond measure.

Gabourey Sidibe? That girl is too remarkable. I just hope she gets the right roles (and isn't typecast as "the sassy, fat girl") because she's too cute and sweet and fabulous. As the late, lamented Patrick Swayze would say, she can't be "put in a corner!"

I had such a great time watching. It helped my commentary to have my best friend Heather with me. I loved every minute.

Oscar Night 2010 - Part II

2010-03-07T19:59:00.032-05:00

The show, itself...

8:34 - Antonio Banderas in a full beard. He's apparently just given up.

8:37 - Where are Helen Mirren's boobs? She's always showing off the rack.

8:44 - Glad that Penelope Cruz hasn't been relegated to the Foreign Film ghetto... There's still Sophia Loren, though!

8:46 - Heather, on Woody Harrelson: "As he gets older, he's just going to get better... And that face? Is just going to get weirder."

9:01 - Shut it, Miley. If you can't deal, then go home.

9:13 - SJP is GNAWING HER GUM!!! Ugh!

9:17 - Molly Ringwald and Matthew Broderick? I feel like a kid again!

9:21 - John Hughes. Will there ever be anyone else who understands kids as well as he did?

9:34 - I love it when a gay man wins. "Isn't that like a man to not let the woman talk?" Isn't it like the old Jewish woman to run over someone's comment?

9:40 - So, apparently, Ben Stiller's only function, now, is to look like an ass at every awards show.

10:00 - Way to go, Mo! Bring it home, girl.

10:08 - Way to play the "near-death card," there, buddy.

10:09 - "Clothes whore"? Half-right.

10:12 - Charlize Theron's bodice looks like the result of unfortunate foreplay.

10:28 - Wouldn't it have made more sense to have had the stars of Paranormal Activity present the horror movie tribute?

10:29 - Zac Efron: Making me feel like a dirty old man since 2006.

10:30 - King/Queen of the Dead! Whoo!!!

10:41 - Brittany Murphy had a very tight lead. I was sure that Natasha Richardson would steal it, but Karl Malden took the win!

In all seriousness, though, I'm disappointed at the lack of such luminaries as Bea Arthur. But she was honored during the Emmys, so I can't complain, I guess. But watching that weird dance number and having lots of our recently passed friends not being shown just feels wrong.

11:01 - And Farrah Fawcett was left out of the Oscar In Memoriam montage. Once again, her death was upstaged by freaking Michal Jackson.

11:06 - Tyler Perry? You are super-hot, but... please be quiet.

11:18 - One of the Best Foreign Film winners was dressed like Wednesday Addams-gone-formal.

11:30 - Yes, Morgan Freeman is a giving actor. He gives it to his granddaugther.

11:45 - Heather: [Oprah's] wearing blue?
Peter: Everyone's wearing blue!
Heather: But all the black women are wearing the same color blue!

11:49 - Sandra Bullock: A Razzie and an Oscar in the same weekend. You rock that shit, girl!

11:52 - Best speech of the night. Sorry, Mo. Sandy took it.

11:55 - I just missed the announcement of the first female Best Director because I was running my mouth?

I love how humble she is. WHEN SHE JUST BEAT HER EX-HUSBAND!!!

11:59 - Heather: I thought they stopped saying, "And the winner is..."
Peter: Tom Hanks is old skool.

12:01: You know how I feel about men in uniform. Any uniform. And I don't just mean sexually.

Oscar Night 2010

2010-03-07T14:32:00.022-05:00

I'm getting back in the blogging saddle and posting my running commentary on tonight's Oscars and red carpet, starting at 6pm eastern. Feel free to post your responses!

6:00 - Y'all ready?

Blah blah blah, Ryan. Just show me the dresses.

6:01 - FYI: Heather and I are doing the E! Red Carpet right now.

6:04 - What the hell's Zac Efron doing there? Not that I'm complaining. Ah... presenter.

6:09 - Not caring for Anna Kendrick's hair, but the dress is lovely. A little too close to her skintone, but still beautiful.

Mariska!!!

6:12 - Classy answer, Mo.

6:17 - Is blue the color of the evening? Mariah looks great, though -- and not insane!

6:19 - Am I supposed to care about this behind-the-scenes stuff?

6:27 - FYI: ABC has a live stream of the red carpet.

6:50 - A little late to the game with this one, but I'm so glad that Nicole Richie's settled down. She looks a bit dowdy tonight, though. A little too far on the opposite end of the spectrum.

7:00 - Sandra Bullock's pretty tipsy, I think. She had to hold on to the velvet rope stand.

7:03 - I'm watching Amanda Seyfried on both ABC.com and E! Aack! Brain freeze! Brain freeze!

7:50 - RDJ was on a little while ago. Normally, I hate when guys don't take off their sunglasses when being interviewed, but he's just so wonderful that I can let it go.

8:06 - "It's because she doesn't understand English." Oh, George Clooney! You rogue.

8:11 - Screw the Nelson Mandela celebration. I want to see Invictus because I want to see Matt Damon playing rugby. Hot.

8:22 - POSTURE, MILEY! POSTURE!

8:25 - Just to be "that guy," I think it's hilarious that Kathy Ireland, the supermodel, interviewed Gabourey Sidibe, the official Oscars big gal.

Sing Out, Louise!

2009-09-05T01:30:00.002-04:00

Is anyone else dying for Glee? I wish I'd decided to sing in high school instead of doing orchestra. I mean, I met some awesome people in orchestra, but I think I would have rocked vocal. And... let's not talk about how the musicals would have been cast.

Okay, I'm off topic. But not really. How fucking awesome am I?

Patience is a Virtue

2009-08-28T04:00:00.002-04:00

I know it's been awhile. I know I always apologize. But there's been some mess happening in my life.

Whatever. I'm back, bitches! And I've got shit to say.

Just stay tuned while I formulate my thoughts.

Also? Keep your eyes out for yet another site, featuring a serialized storyline written by yours truly. I've been talking about it for months, and I'm ready to publish.

Just keep this in mind until my next post: "Pshht!"

AMC - Rant

2009-06-12T11:20:00.005-04:00

Okay, first of all, I have to give myself a WHOO-WHOO for dragging my mom back into the AMC fold.

Second, I have to say this... I'm a smart person. I always tested in the 99th percentile. I got into a well-respected college. I ran several organizations and performed admirably in my classes. I've worked in challenging environments.

My point: I'm not a lazy, drooling nincompoop. Neither are my friends who watch soaps. So why do Pratt and Frons treat us as though we are?

Wednesday's show was a dud. It was absolute filler. But even beyond that, I'm sick of the "New" Tad. I'm sick of David's whining. PLEASE recast Colby. (BRING AMBYR BACK!) Why is Aidan suddenly on the "Annie's crazy" train?

Don't get me wrong. There are things that I love, but the things that I hate... I feel they insult the intelligence of the audience. I don't think that soaps have ever been stupid. Cheesy? Maybe. Unrealistic? Sometimes. Outrageous? Always. But stupid? Never. Only recently have EPs decided that their audiences lack brain stems.

I remember being five years old and having my grandmother babysit us. We'd sit and watch All My Children and One Life to Live with her. I recall one time when she had to run to the drug store during her "stories," so she plugged her portable TV into the car cigarette lighter, and away we went! Those were the halcyon days of soaps. When Vicky fought Dorian and Erica fought bears.

Soap writers didn't take their viewers for granted. And they certainly didn't try to change their demographic. Message to Brain Frons: There ARE 14 year old boys watching your show. And they're FAGS. And they like the shows the way they are -- or, were.

Sorry. I know you were expecting a commentary of the past couple of days, but I just don't have it in me.

I will admit that yesterday was getting back to the soapy goodness that I fell in love with as a child. Erica flouncing and menacing? Awesome. But there are still drips of mediocrity that I can't stand. Jamie Luner as Liza? If she'd been a new character, fine. But she is NOT Liza Colby. As I've mentioned, Brianne Moncrief is a horror. (BRING BACK AMBYR!)

I could extend this rant to TV in general, but I'll keep it small.

For now.

AMC - June 9, 2009

2009-06-09T17:19:00.004-04:00

Today’s show was a whole lot of nothin’. My personal plusses were Jake and Amanda getting engaged and Angie and Kendall interacting.

First, I love Jake and Mandy two together. Probably more than I loved Zach and Kendall. Okay, that’s not really fair. I’m being colored by my current annoyance/ennui with them. They were my It Couple when they began, and the reasons I loved them were different than the reasons I love Jake and Amanda. Sure, both couples began with the pretext of some sort of protection against an antagonizing force, and that alliance grew into love. But where you saw raw passion with Zach and Kendall, you see a tender sweetness with Jake and Amanda. It’s the ultimate fantasy of two friends falling in love. It’s not exactly how I would have written the relationship’s progression, but I’m more than okay with the results. I’m so excited, in fact, that I have yet to brace myself for whatever’s to come.

Second, Angie and Kendall. I’ve been dying for a Hubbard-Slater friendship since the returns of Jesse and Angie. Especially since I never got a Slater-Dillon friendship. I’m ecstatic that Angie and Kendall are sharing these scenes together. Kendall needs someone on her side who comforts her. Everyone on Team Kendall seems to think she’s fragile and needs protecting (Ryan, Erica, Zach), but what she really needs is a friend – and co-conspirator. Her two biggest supporters (Greenlee and Josh) are both dead. (And, in a way, both deaths were because of her. But I won’t get into that now.) She’s had no one to turn to who’ll just listen, rather than run out and try to squash whatever’s bothering her. Angie’s that new someone, and that just tickles me.

Angie took a personal interest in Ian’s case, which she really didn’t have to do. She’s been championing Kendall during the investigation, talking to Jesse on Kendall’s behalf. But most importantly, she lets Kendall vent. Plus, their mutual excitement over the possibility that David could go away for murdering Stuart is adorably insane. They’re both pretty hot-headed and make impulsive decisions when it comes to their loved ones – and their enemies. They’re perfect friends!

But speaking to Angie’s interest in Ian’s case, can we take a sidebar and talk about “Dr. Sloan” for a minute? Or, more precisely, Disney’s incessant need for self-promotion? Maybe I’m off, but I definitely took “Dr. Sloan” as a reference to Grey’s Anatomy. And here’s why: Over the past several months, we’ve seen Emma going on about Ariel, Little A preparing to watch The Lion King and having a crush on Hannah Montana, and Ryan offering to dance with Erica (a plug for Dancing with the Stars, on which both Cameron Mathison and Susan Lucci appeared). The list goes on, but I just don’t have the time to research it. I’d be on the nets for HOURS. As anyone who knows me will attest, I have no problem with product placement or cross-promotion, and lord knows I’m a sucker for a good inside joke. There’s just a point when it gets tiresome. Now, the Sloan reference may not even be a reference at all, and I’m losing my head over nothing. But, come on. I don’t think I’m reaching here.

Anyway, let’s move on to what’s sticking in my craw the most: Colby. Good gravy, if this isn’t one flipping-flopping, whining brat, I don’t know who is. When SORASed Colby first showed up, she was pissed at Liza for keeping her from her father. She grew to learn that Adam truly did love her, despite what Liza had told her. But whenever Adam disappointed her, she turned on him on a dime. She ran away to live with Tad and Krystal a couple of times. And now, she’s mad at him again for keeping Liza’s letters from her. Never mind that Liza called Colby several times and those calls were ignored. Never mind that there are such a things as email, Twitter, MySpace, Facebook and texting at Liza’s disposal and which a teenager is FAR more apt to read and that Adam couldn’t have easily interfered with. Now Colby’s realized that Liza really did love her (which I don’t think was ever a question until very recently), and Adam’s the Big Bad again. So she’s moved out of Chez Chandler. I say good riddance to bad cheese. This character has been grating for awhile, and the actress’s limited abilities haven’t helped one iota. (Bring back Ambyr Childress!) I’m sure Colby’ll be back in the manse soon enough because she’s a twit who has no idea how to fend for herself. And news that Liza faked her pregnancy will probably send her running back to Daddy’s credit card, anyway. But for now, one fewer child in the Chandler mansion is just ducky.

Hm… Yeah. I didn’t really care about anything else today, and this shit’s long enough. Maybe if I stew longer, I’ll post more later.

Until then, please feel free to respond, criticize, whatever. The floor is yours.

Those Magic Changes*

2009-06-09T15:35:00.005-04:00

Golly! It's been over a month since my last post. I know I've fallen down on the job. I'll make no excuses.

In an effort to rectify this situation, I'm going to start posting analyses of "All My Children" episodes. I write daily recaps over at Lobster and Branch, my home for the past three years. I found myself commenting more than recapping, which made the recaps far longer than they needed to be. So, taking a friendly suggestion from the board admin, I'm moving my commentary here.

I'd thought about doing this before, but decided against it in favor of broader entertainment discussion. But, well, you see how well that's gone. Besides, commenting on the shows I watch fits perfectly well within this blog's mission statement.

That said, I'm still figuring out how to go about doing this, so bear with me. I'm going to shoot for daily commentary, as I had been doing over at L&B. But I may very well end up doing them weekly.

So stay tuned.

*Points to whomever can figure out where this gem comes from.

The Drunk Corner #2: The Real Patient Zero

2009-05-02T06:42:00.003-04:00

Anyone who knows me knows that I can't stand hysteria. Hate it. SARS. Bird flu. The Macarena. I just don't care for it.

So now we're dealing with the "swine flu," or, as our beloved president has informed us, what is now called H1-N1 or something. And, no. I'm not going to look that up to confirm the name. Hello! Drunk. Corner. The best you can expect is proper grammar and spelling.

Anyway....

I've been thinking about this.

The real patient zero has to be Octomom. Come on. Human beings do NOT have eight children at once. But you know who does? Pigs.

Octomom's days in the spotlight were dwindling, so maybe she called a cousin to cough on her. You know. Keep the family in the news.

I'm just sayin'.

Think about it.

The Drunk Corner #1 - Ann Coulter v Bill Maher

2009-03-12T05:01:00.006-04:00

I was lucky enough to get a ticket to the debate between Bill Maher and Ann Coulter at Radio City Music Hall. Part of the Speaker Series. My awesome friend Liz bought tickets, and I am grateful.

But, even upon receiving this incredible gift, I started mouthing off. Bill Maher is a big mouth. Ann Coulter is insufferable. He's pretty smug. She's not his equal. She's not his equal. She's not his equal. She's not... Oh, wait.

And that's what my experience was like. Listening to one person who thinks she's witty against someone who is actually funny and insightful.

This isn't, and has never been, a political blog. It's about TV mostly and entertainment in general. Well, Bill Maher's a TV host, and Ann Coulter was one of his frequent guests. So this totally qualifies.

Which makes it weird that the star of the show, for me, was the old woman (who was there with two friends) who sat behind us. She had a voice that suggested Harvey Fierstein in his later, later, um (is this later enough?) later years? (Love you, dear.) She provided, er, illustrious commentary throughout. At one point, after Ann had tossed her hair for the thousandth time and Bill had touched Ann's knee for the [count the stains in his pants] time, she said, "OH! HE JUST WANTS TO SLEEP WITH HER!"

And that, my friends, was the highlight of the evening. I could really talk about how Ann kept saying the same point over and over (and made a TERRIBLE connection between being a liberal and being a victim). Or I could talk about how Bill (love that bitch) was trying out new material for his next HBO special. Or the 90s prostitute black dress that Ann wore. The fact that she couldn't tame that damn hair, despite the inventions of hair clasps. (By the way, the woman in front of me wore a beautiful one. She seemed to be the same kind of WASP that Ann kept saying she was. Like FIVE times. Even when it wasn't relevant. Like, even referring to Rush Limbuagh, she said, "Well, that's classic WASP deflection when he said that." From what I have researched, Rush isn't a WASP. I mean, just the name "Limbaugh" suggests ethnicity.)

Oh, but I got off topic. She wore a tight, black dress. Long sleeves, rounded neck, fourteen-inches above the knee. A dress that I saw some girls in my high school wearing. In the 90s. In a parody of the 80s.

How does a grown woman wear something like that to a debate and decide that she should taken seriously?

The answer: She can't.

And that was the other thing: She's not smart enough for people to care, so she shows off her body.

But... SHE'S A STICK.

So, I guess that's what "WASPs" look like? Boy, if you're driving through Connecticut, keep your windows up so your eyes don't get poked out.

Look. I hate her, clearly. Bill Maher cheesed me a bit. I mean: Dude, this isn't Caroline's. Don't test out your new material on me. But, altogether, he kind of rocked it.

But, like, I said, the star was Mrs. Fierstein. I want to know who she was. She was the bee's knees. If you know an older woman who went to the debate and who sat in the OO section, please let me know.

Overall, I thank my friend for the ticket because... I had the BEST TIME!

Most hated aspect:
Ann: In conclusion... [uproarious applause] Boy, that was rude.
[Followed by a monologue by Bill, which was interrupted every minute by a heckler. Um, whose side is ruder, ANN?]

Favorite portion: "OH! HE JUST WANTS TO SLEEP WITH HER!"

This isn't a one-sided thing, y'all. Tell me what you think. Either way. Yes... even if you like Ann. ESPECIALLY if you like Ann.

Oh, God. He's Dead? But He Was So Hot!

2009-01-30T02:24:00.003-05:00

I was watching The Apartment and noting that Jack Lemmon was quite a looker in his day. I, of course, posted it to my Facebook page and got a couple of responses. I, then, realized how often I do this, since I watch a ton of old movies. I'm lusting after a guy until I realize, "Wait a tick!" Then I immediately run to IMDb, only to discover that either he's older than my grandmother or dead. This happens especially with musicals because singers and dancer are, by default, hot. (James Mitchell, aka "Palmer Cortlandt"/"Dream Curly," I'm looking at you.)

Anyway, I'm curious about which old stars you find attractive. So far we have Jack Lemmon, Gene Kelly, Paul Newman, Gregory Peck, Cary Grant, Sidney Poitier and Rock Hudson.

Please, add more to the list.

Update: I'm clearly not the only person to have this weighing on my mind. Here are some awesome old dudes over 50. This is a slightly different list than what I'm thinking, really. But it's along the same (vericose) vein.

Happy Effin' New Year from Your Pals at ABC

2009-01-08T14:09:00.004-05:00

So, apparently, ABC won't be airing the remaining episodes of Pushing Daisies and Dirty Sexy Money. You have GOT to be kidding me! As I've said, there is nothing else on this network. From a programming standpoint, this is an absolutely moronic decision.

From a fan's viewpoint, this is a major "screw you" to these shows' audiences.

I swear, despite my intense love of television and having survived many an excellent show's cancellation, I have never reacted this way over a show's being axed. But it's the combination of the loss and the network's utter cluelessness that has sent me over the edge.

I still have four ABC shows that I watch (All My Children, Scrubs, Desperate Housewives, and Brothers & Sisters), so I can't officially cut ties with ABC. (Not that, you know, they'd even care. But it's the principle of the thing.) But I can sit here and seethe. Which is, of course, imminently healthy and productive.

Forgetting the Alphabet

2008-11-24T12:45:00.006-05:00

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know I was supposed to write about the heat in the Top Chef kitchen, but I've been distracted. For one, SAG is threatening a strike. I -- I can't even begin to go into the foolishness of all this. You may recall that I buried my head in the sand on this matter long, long ago. Besides, my dear friend joy posted a far more eloquent rant at her far more esteemed blog, joymagnetism. I think I could only manage a series of sputters, which doesn't really translate to print very well.

What I can articulate, however, is my fiery anger at ABC for canceling one of the quirkiest, most creative shows on network television, Pushing Daisies. If you've never seen Pushing Daisies, well, then I blame you. Okay, okay. That's not fair. Well, not completely fair. Pushing Daisies is a delightful, whimsical tale of a young man who can bring the dead back to life, but only for 60 seconds, else something or someone else nearby dies in its place. He's also brought back to life his murdered childhood sweetheart, but can't touch her again, lest she die permanently. Sounds creepy. But in the hands of Bryan Fuller (who dealt with death so humorously and stunningly in the late lamented Dead Like Me), what could be fluff and tritely disturbing nonsense, is actually a colorful (literally and figuratively), giddy hour of fun featuring a foursome of detectives solving mysterious murders, as well as a rib-tickling duo of eccentric, retired-mermaid, spinster aunts. Yes, you read that right.

Don't you wish you'd been watching? Yeah, I know you do.

But, alas, it's too late. Because ABC (whom I normally laud for its non-traditional choice of dramas and comedy-drama hybrids) decided to pull the plug, as it were, on this wonderful romp. Ratings, they say. And, to be fair, ABC has enough hits to buoy it. For now.

Yes, Lost is returning in January, a return I'm eagerly awaiting, especially now that there's an end date which has really focused the writing. Ugly Betty is still holding strong, as is ABC's Sunday night line-up. But let's face it, just how long are Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice going to hold up? By all accounts (and that's all I have to go on since I don't watch either), both shows have dipped in quality so far that they're pretty much irredeemable. So what does ABC have left? Life on Mars? Heh. Spare me.

Not only did they scrap Pushing Daisies, they got rid of fellow critical darling Eli Stone and Dirty Sexy Money.

I called it. I knew the changes would doom Dirty Sexy Money to the trash heap. The network called for the drastic change in tone, demanding something soapier. What they got was soap scum. So good riddance to that. However, Eli Stone is a different story. I've only seen a few episodes of Eli Stone, but I've heard nothing but praise for it.

So what's the deal ABC? Why cancel these shows when you've got nothing lined up and when you have shows that are inarguably flagging in quality, if not ratings? In a season blighted by a drought of new, quality pilots due to the strike [*shakes fists at SAG*], you've chosen to do away with shows that may not have the audience, but definitely have the promise.

This was the perfect time for the Alphabet to show its commitment to excellence. Instead, it's shown nothing but a slavery to idiotic programming decisions.

So, my darlings, what do you think? Am I off-base, here? Letting my love of a show cloud my judgment? Weigh in on ABC's decision.

Dusting of My Ramekins

2008-11-12T10:31:00.004-05:00

Good golly, it's been awhile hasn't it? And I suppose it's appropriate that the show that has gotten me off my virtual duff is Top Chef. Yes, my dears. My all-time favorite competitive reality show is back tonight, and my creme is ready to be bruleed.

I am, of course, excited about the not one, but TWO hot gay boys on the show. Let's see how long these two last, huh?

What else? Oh, yeah. Apparently, there's a new judge. Someone I've never heard of, but whom I probably should know, will be taking over for Gail who was off getting married. (I just hope she has some babies soon, or else the Mormons will want to invalidate her union, possibly with an amendment to the constitution of a state they don't even live in! But I digress.)

In any event, I will be watching and salivating tonight. Tune in for my thoughts tomorrow.

Update: There are, in fact, three gay contestants, but I've only seen two of them, so I stand by my earlier statement.

The Emmys

2008-09-19T11:43:00.011-04:00

Huh. Surprisingly, I have nothing to say about the upcoming Emmys -- or, rather, the nominees. Of course, I'll be watching; I love awards shows. Always and forever. But I've decided to stop hoping for anything other than the same ol' stuff. There are never any surprise wins, all the speeches are pretty run of the mill, and even the red carpet just seems like a been-there-done-that obligation for most of the nominees.

The fact is that no one's fooling themselves anymore. The Emmys aren't about rewarding excellence or innovation in the television arts. It's about the Academy telling themselves that they are. And that just goes against everything I love about the entertainment industry.

I'm not naive. I know the old chestnut: "It's show business." But it's a creative business. Most other industries strive for and reward innovation and change. Indeed, the science half of the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences seems to be doing pretty well in this vein. Why is it that the arts side is not only content to churn out more of the same, but actually heaps praise on those who stay on the hamster wheel?

And that's just what the Emmy has become. A big nut cluster treat for the most dogged hamsters.

So I'll watch, as I always do, I'll simulpost to the extent that the shifty wireless coverage in my neighborhood allows, and I'll resign myself to yet another win by Tony Shaloub.

Zachary Morris, Esq.

2008-09-02T16:59:00.004-04:00

Not that I left any room for doubt about my intentions, but... I watched Raising the Bar last night. And, good lord on a graham cracker it was terrible. Just abominable.

It should be called Raising the Barf since all of Mark-Paul Gosselaar's pontificating made my gorge rise. (FYI: Holier-than-thou grandstanding is only palatable coming from Jack McCoy.) Earnestly wanting to defend your clients doesn't give you carte blanche to be a douchebag to everyone. I was prompted to answer Zack's oft-promo'd question: "Yes, I am gonna hit a lawyer."

Or perhaps Raising the Soap Bar since Zack looks like he needs a bath throughout the episode -- even after he's just bathed. (Incidentally, I can't remember the character's actual name, which doesn't matter because I'd call him "Zack" no matter what.)

Or maybe Raising the Gay Bar due to the only real surprising element of the pilot. I immediately pegged the judge's clerk as gay. And then he's making out with Jane Kaczmereck. Wha? But then he actually is gay. Dude. It's one thing to be in the closet. It's a completely other thing to sex up your boss just to soften her towards your best friend with whom you're clearly actually in love. I mean, it's so soap operatic that you just have to love it.

My point being this: The pilot was so bad, that I was driven to punny alternative titles just to amuse myself.

That said, I'm still going to watch because, whatever, I'll follow Zack Morris to the cheesiest ends of the earth. Plus, it's my policy to give all shows 3-5 episodes to find their footing. And, finally, Stephen Bochco is infamous for pushing the envelope. And by "pushing the envelope," I mean "there's naked man ass in our future."

When It Rains...

2008-08-21T11:36:00.007-04:00

I'm not entirely sure where to begin. Just last week, I was kvetching about a lack of material on which to comment. Now there suddenly seems to be a great deal going on.

Let's start off with Christina Applegate who recently underwent a pre-emptive double mastectomy in her battle against breast cancer. I've always been a fan of Ms. Applegate. She's an incredible actress, and she just seems like a swell lady. I wish her nothing but the best.

Then, there's been some talk about a possible Veronica Mars movie. I huffed awhile back regarding chatter about a Friends film and I blasted the idea of a Sex and the City sequel. Honestly, I'm sort of on the fence about a VM movie. I loved the show, but I have reservations, natch.

First, I'm not sure its cult hit, sassy charm would translate to the big screen. The series relied on a season-long mystery, as well as the smaller mysteries-of-the-week. A movie of 90+ minutes would have to deviate from that formula and could just flounder. Secondly, the series ended rather shoddily, and I think it might be best to just leave it be.

On the other hand, there had been talk about a leaping forward several years in the future for a VM spin-off, but the pilot landed with a thud. Perhaps, it could be parlayed into a VM franchise. From what I've read, the project is in production. Honestly, though, the fans I've been in touch with are rather miffed with Rob Thomas, so I'm not sure the film would be received as warmly as he might think.

And, finally, ABC's foreign formats memo. I haven't seen much written about this outside of the blog to which I've linked. Seems pretty straight-forward and not terribly incendiary to me. Mind you, I'm not an attorney, but I've acquired a bit of knowledge from the ones for whom I work. My understanding is that there's nothing illegal about what the studio lays out here. An idea is not protectable; only the fruits of that idea (characters, storylines, locations, etc.) are. So the practice is borderline at worst. Should the memo have been leaked? Probably not. It makes ABC Studios look shady to a layperson. But it's nothing to cause a furor about. Again: Not a lawyer here.

That all came to my attention a couple of days ago. Perhaps the summer wasn't a total bust, after all. Or, even better, this all foreshadows an exciting fall to come!

Brain Hiatus

2008-08-08T16:27:00.002-04:00

Y'know, I started this blog because 99% of the time I have something smart alecky and/or insightful to say about what happens on television. Admittedly, that percentage dips to, let's say, 80% of the time when you expand to the entertainment industry in general, but still. But here's the thing: This summer has been supremely boring.

I came in to this thing assuming I'd be posting everyday. But it seems as though Hollywood has taken a summer vacation away from crazy. (Yeah, yeah. I know Shia LaBeouf's dangling his toes in the deep end, but I really couldn't care less about him.) And summer television's been boring.

So You Think You Can Dance? Not as good as last season, in my opinion. Project Runway? The contestants are too aware of being on-camera at all times and have, therefore, spent these first three episodes mugging and tossing out what they think are witticisms like breadcrumbs to lure that pigeon of screen time. Swingtown? Good, but not long for this world. And Mad Men? Too good to be snarked on. Besides, it just started. Even my beloved Kathy Griffin seems to have lost her luster.

Yes, the summer hasn't been particularly noteworthy. But I am very much looking forward to the coming fall season. Some pilots have been "leaked" to the internets, and I can resist their siren call for only so long. And now the teasers and print ads for returning shows have appeared, ramping up my excitement. I unabashedly squealed -- on the train! -- when I saw a print ad for Heroes and sniffled a little when I realized that Pushing Daisies returns in October, not September.

I've never been a boy of summer, anyway. So I'm just biding my time till the new season begins.

Someone Thought of the Children!

2008-07-18T14:42:00.004-04:00

In today's "News I Really Need to Stop Caring About," Britney Spears and Kevin Federline's drawn out custody battle is over. Kevin Federline has sole custody, and Britney gets two visitation days a week, with one overnight.

We live in a world where Kevin Federline is a fit parent. Just let that soak in for a bit.

Okay... While I think this is for the best, I am a little sad for Britney. Her life recently has been rough. Yes, it's her own fault, but I still feel for her.

Here's hoping she gets back on track.

Let the Snip(p)ing Begin!

2008-07-16T15:53:00.004-04:00

Ah... Project Runway... How I have missed thee!

Let's skip the obligatory "I love Tim Gunn " exclamations. Because they go without saying.* Especially when he give us his comments on this year's crop of designers.

So far, I've got nothing much to add. I like to wait till the second episode, mostly because I can't keep anyone straight.

However, Suede? Needs cut off the fauxhawk. I am DONE with the fauxhawk. I never liked it to begin with, and now they're EVERYWHERE. For no other reason than the fauxhwk, Suede is at the bottom of the pile.

*Mr. Gunn, if you're reading, I make excellent martinis and even better conversation. Email me!

UPDATE: My fauxhawk hate has not failed me. Suede is, in fact, a tool.

I'm Gonna Need Another Cosmo or Four

2008-07-14T11:44:00.003-04:00

Okay, so Sarah Jessica Parker apparently reads my blog and is now intent on torturing me. A sequel to the Sex and the City movie is in early develpment. Touché, Silver. Touché.

The One Where They Gratuitously Reune

2008-07-08T16:38:00.004-04:00

So, thanks to the success of the Sex and the City movie, there's talk of a big screen Friends flick. Do we really need this? The answer, in case you're hesitating, is "no."

I mean, I figured that we'd get some sort of reunion at some point. TV viewers love a "Where are they now?" program. (And by "viewers," I mean me.) I just feel like there's this faux-stalgia for late '90s/early '00s programming. People seem to think (erroneously, if you ask me) that 2005-ish marked the end of good television. And they're ready to eat up anything that hearkens back to that golden age. Thus, you get Sarah Jessica Parker's horse face blown up to ten feet on the wide screen. (Oh, yeah. I went there. I just don't understand why people think she's pretty. Sue me, Parker. Go ahead. I dare you.)

In any event, I know they're going to make the movie. I think it's pointless, but whatevs.

And, really, who am I kidding? I'm gonna shell out $10.75 to see it just like all the other schmucks.

Oh, Yeah. Pam Anderson Gets the Shutty Now

2008-07-01T14:27:00.002-04:00

So, apparently, Pam Anderson's joined in on the Jess Simpson bashing. Et tu, Pammi? And, really, didn't this whole thing start as a feud between Jessica and Kelly Clarkson? Why's Pam Anderson getting into the mix?

This whole thing has taken on a far too delicious level of insanity. I think I might need a cigarette.

Even MORE "Saved by the Bell"!!!

2008-07-01T13:12:00.003-04:00

I don't think I have the energy to even think about the possibility of a SAG strike (since I've just spent the past month convincing others that there's no way that would happen) or to discuss the further changes to the Dirty Sexy Money landscape. Instead, I will squee about Raising the Bar.

Yeah, I know. It's yet another legal drama. But this one has two Saved by the Bell alums: Mark-Paul Gosselaar and Natalia Cigliuti. Obviously, MPG was the one and only Zack Morris on original recipe SBTB. NC played Lindsay, SBTB: The New Class's answer to Kelly. (And if you count the return of Zack's The College Years-style long locks, then that's one more former SBTB star.)

My excitement level is unnatural, mostly because I pretty much have no idea what this show's about. Something about former law school classmates? Or something? The cast is pretty awesome, though. Gloria Ruben? Jane Kaczmarek? I'm there already.

Emmy Finalists

2008-06-27T16:47:00.001-04:00

In an attempt to out-scoop the scoopers, the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences released their list of the top ten Emmy finalists for drama and comedy on their website today. (It's dated July 26, 2008. Actually, it's dated WAY in the future, 20008, to be exact.) This is the list, presumably, from which the five nominees will be chosen.

I'm super in love with this list. There are a few shows I haven't seen but that I've heard are amazing. And, hey, that's what DVDs are for, right?

My one question, though, is "How the frak does Two and a Half Men keep getting nominated?" For serious. I've watched it a couple of times and have, at most, chuckled half-heartedly here and there. Charlie Sheen must be giving up the goods or something. I really just don't get it.

It's how I felt about Everybody Loves Raymond. I've seen Ray Romano's stand-up. Funny. Everybody Loves Raymond? Not funny. But every single year, it was nominated. And didn't Patricia Heaton win every year? Gah!

You know what, Charlie? I apologize. It's not you. Obviously, it's Les Moonves who's peddling his wares in exchange for some recognition for CBS. What, Les? Having CSI be the most watched drama on TV's not enough?

Coldplay Can Go Blow

2008-06-27T10:17:00.000-04:00

You know what I hate? Something being forced down my throat. Coldplay could be the most awesome band in all of existence. But I don't care. Between that commercial, The Daily Show and, now, the Today show, I'm done with them. Fuck you, Coldplay.

But I want to marry their agent. That person is clearly an evil genius.

Not Tonight, Honey

2008-06-21T21:23:00.001-04:00

I just saw an ad for Valtrex which was immediately followed by one for Levitra.

It would have made more sense the other way 'round.

New Showrunner for "Dirty Sexy Money"

2008-06-18T14:05:00.000-04:00

I've been neglecting reading the Hollywood Reporter e-mails in my inbox because my Hotmail's evolved into my junk mail catcher. But I finally cleaned that sucker out and was saddened to learn that Daniel Cerone is leaving as the showrunner of Dirty Sexy Money and is being replaced by Jon Feldman.

This is a blow (for me) for two reasons: First, I was really enjoying the direction the show was going. Second, Feldman created Big Shots, which, after catching bits of the premiere, I vowed never to watch again, a decision that I came to learn was spot-on.

Big Shots was promoted as Sex and the City with men (in a television season already plagued with two SatC knock-offs). The line that appeared in every promo was "Men. We're the new women." Huh? I feel like I should be offended, but it's just such clunky nonsense that I couldn't even muster a good feminist rant. The parts I did manage to catch elicited the same response.

Apparently, Feldman also worked closely with DSM's creator, Greg Berlanti, on Dawson's Creek. This does not instill confidence in me. Not that I didn't watch DC. Believe me, I did. But only because I have a penchant for cheese.

DSM? Not cheese. From the beginning I found the first season to be a sharp, sultry look at a privileged family (never mind the premiere's heavy-handed Kennedy comparisons). Cerone really played up those elements.

Reportedly, Cerone (who was co-showrunner on Dexter) envisioned a darker second season. This was evident in the post-strike episodes of last season. This vision was not appreciated, apparently, as Cerone had been deemed, according to THR, "a bad fit;" I disagree.

True, as with other Berlanti offerings (such as Brothers and Sisters), DSM's main strength is in the ensemble's chemistry with one another. However, I think that Cerone's touches really helped boost interest in storylines that weren't playing so well with viewers. Namely, the whodunnit of Nick's father's death and the haziness that was Simon Elder vs. Tripp Darling. (I'll concede that I'm not all that interested in the Carmelita kidnapping. But, sadly, that storyline was somewhat limited to begin with.)

I'm on pins and needles now, waiting for the second season. I'd really like to see how the show fares after this change. It barely escaped the chopping block, and I'm nervous that a whole new tone may not bode well for its chances of survival.

Slater Rulz, Zack Droolz

2008-06-18T12:34:00.001-04:00

Mario Lopez (who will forever be A.C. Slater to my generation) has been named People magazine's Hottest Bachelor. I would take these lists more seriously if People didn't release, like, 271 rankings a year. But that's beside the point.

I saw an interview with Lopez on Today this morning and was just amused. Well, when I wasn't enthralled with all the shirtless pics. You'd think I'd be used to him shirtless, having seen him in the Greg Louganis biopic. He's in Speedos for, I'd say, a third of the movie. And he was very often in revealing wrestling uniforms and (oddly) shirtless in many a Saved by the Bell episode. (I say "odd" since the show was directed toward pre-teens.)

In any event, what captivated me was the nude photo. But not for the expected reasons. First, there was the bear skin rug. Strike one. You can't take anything that includes a bear skin rug seriously. I mean, it's the ultimate symbol for cheesiness. Then, there's Lopez's expression. You can tell he was going for easy-going, but he really just looked uncomfortable. Maybe that's because he was posing with his hand tucked into his nethers. It just seems like an odd choice for hiding A.C. [Because I imagine he's named his junk A.C. I would if I were him.] But the best part was that, aired on Today, his crotch was pixelated. Really? Was the hand too suggestive? Because, I mean, it's a photo in People, not Inches. And if they thought it was that racy, then why show it in the first place? Morning television baffles me sometimes.

So, anyway, congratulations (or whatever) to Mario Lopez. Way to be hot and single. Do you think that in some alternate universe, Slater is also People's Hottest Bachelor and Kelly, nursing her fifth rugrat, is kicking herself for marrying Zack who's kind of let himself go and whose boyish charm is no longer as charming? I'm probably the only person who wonders these things.

Update: I recently learned that the photo was a re-creation of the iconic Burt Reynolds spread.

And the Shutty Goes To...

2008-06-17T15:07:00.000-04:00

I know that we, as Americans, are overrun with awards and awards shows. But I think it's time to add one more: The STFU Awards, or the Shutty. This distinction goes to, basically, whomever is annoying me at the moment. The recipient will then have to refrain from talking to the media or risk my ire. (Yes, I know I have no real power. But leave me my delusions, huh?)

The first honoree is Marky Mark for bad-mouthing George Clooney. In explaining his decision to turn down Matt Damon's role in Ocean's Eleven, he claims he just didn't feel like "sitting with Brad [Pitt] and George, telling the press how great everybody is! That's not for me." Yes, Marky, I can see that being sweet and gracious (if a little over-the-top with the buddy routine) is not your bag. And, yeah, I know that you haven't been Marky Mark for awhile, but until you shape up, I won't be calling you by your given name.

Second on the list is PETA. I pretty much hate everything that PETA does because I can't stand smugness, and a lot of their "facts" are, frankly, not actual facts. But picking on poor, dimwitted Jessica Simpson is just low. It's almost like making fun of a five-year-old. Plus, I kind of thought her "Real Girls Eat Meat" tee was precious. I am a fan of tees even though they're so 2001.

Oh, also. This?

4. Meat will make you fat. All the saturated fat and cholesterol in chicken wings, pork chops, and steak eventually leads to flabby thighs and love handles. I hope the upcoming "Jessica Simpson's Intimates" line comes in plus sizes! Going vegetarian is the best way to get slim and stay that way.

Classy. I'm glad to know that PETA is also obsessed with body image.

Katie Heigl? You just barely escaped receiving a Shutty, but only because I just thought of them this morning. Lucky, lucky you.

But just so you don't think I'm a total Negative Nelly. (For the record, I'm just a nelly.) I'll hand out a You Done Good Award. Tom Colicchio gets it. I just spent about an hour clicking links to interviews with Chef Tom. I won't link to all of them, only his blog. He's developed such a fun, affable TV persona over the years, and I appreciate that. So, Chef Tom? You done good!

(Okay, I lied. I really have to link to this Grub Street interview because his wife makes a filthy comment, which made Tom blush. And made me want to hang out with her and a pitcher of martinis.)

Follow Your Own Advice

2008-06-16T11:32:00.000-04:00

Dear Katherine Heigl,

You used to be kind of cool. What happened? When you defended T.R. Knight after the whole Isaiah Washington debacle, I wanted you in my corner. You came off as scrappy and a loyal friend.

But remember what you said after the Emmys? How Isaiah should just stop talking? Yeah, I think you should heed your own counsel, love.

I've been reading interviews with you, and you're sounding like kind of a pill. And this latest thing about not submitting your reel for Emmy consideration? That sounded more bitter than humble. And it was pretty insulting to the Grey's writing staff. You may be embarking on a big screen career, but I'd suggest that you don't alienate the folks in television who gave you your start.

That's all I've got to say. I want to keep liking you. I really do. So let's keep those lips zipped, m'kay?

Smooches,

peter

Suck My Sweetbreads, Bitch!

2008-06-10T15:01:00.000-04:00

I know that the first half of the Top Chef finale was six days ago, which in Teeveeland is an eternity. But, yes, folks. It has taken me that long to get used to the fact that Lisa Fernandes is in the final three. And, frankly, I still occasionally feel bile rising when I think about it. She's far less talented than the oustered Dale "I'm a crotch grabbin' Oompah Loompah" Talde and Antonia "Did I mention I'm a single mom... with a kid... who I raise alone?" Lofaso. But that's not why I'm so put out.

I've come to terms with the fact that less talented contestants may advance further than their more promising opponents. (Yeah, I'm lookin' at you, Janelle (Step It Up, and Dance).)That's the nature of the competitive reality structure. I don't even mind that Lisa comes off as petty, self-entitled and mean. All of which make a great reality show villain. But she's committed the ultimate reality show sin: She's boring.

For someone who claims to have watched previous seasons, she certainly hasn't learned how to be an entertaining villain. Take Betty from Season 2. Now that's a villain. The way she screeched and squawked at (the, admittedly, annoying) Marcel was pure television gold. Or take Santino Rice (Project Runway, season 2). He was a major prick, but he was funny. Frankly, I don't know anyone who does a more spot-on Tim Gunn impersonation. Even freakin' Omarosa (who's decided that she no longer needs her long, complicated double last name, bless her heart) held my interest.

But Lisa. Lisa, Lisa, Lisa. She's got this Eeyore-with-a-chip-on-his-shoulder thing going. And the only thing I can do is roll my eyes. The singular emotional reaction I had to her moping was when she harumphed that Stephanie and Richard didn't congratulate her for making the top three. (Never mind that she didn't congratulate them.) "This isn't a popularity contest," claimed she. (Clearly.) So "the least" they could have done was acknowledge her "accomplishment."

And this is when my blood turned to magma. I mean, how little can this woman read a room? I'm not sure there's a way to measure her lack of self-awareness. They don't like you, lady! Get over yourself. Grab one of the many bottles of wine the producers have provided and cry in a corner by yourself. Richard, odd, but loveable Richard stated in an interview what, I'm sure, most viewers were thinking: "You won the fucking bronze medal. Congratulations. There you go." (Love!)

And, really, that was far more diplomatic than when I shot up from my bed and yelled, "What the...?!? Do you just...? Suck my sweetbreads, bitch!"

Andy Cohen

2008-05-23T21:22:00.000-04:00

Okay. So here's my thing about Andy Cohen.

First of all, you need to know that I think he's hot.

However! He's all over everything. Look, dude. You're an executive. Do your job. Make shows. I don't need to see you on TV. I don't care how hot you are.

And the fact that he wears all of his shirts open? Showing every last chest hair?

Like I said, I think the man is attractive. I welcome seeing his chest hair. I LOVE chest hair. But he just throws that shit around like it's the second coming of Christ. And I believe that if Jesus really exists and is coming back, he's not going to flash his chsesticles like that. I'm just sayin'.

So, Andy Cohen, call me. We'll have dinner. Maybe a little slap and tickle. But don't promote your shows like a fucking "Price Is Right" showgirl.

How Gay Is That?

2008-05-23T12:06:00.000-04:00

For this, my inaugural post, I've decided to discuss my favorite topic: The Gays.

I recently came upon a post on Past Deadline* about gay-friendly companies. (Here's the full report, if you're interested.) Bravo is, apparently, the gay-friendliest. You won't hear any arguments from me on that one. And I'll save my rant about programming veep Andy Cohen for a later date.

What did surprise me, however, was the absence of ABC/Disney. From daytime to primetime, ABC is chock full of gay, lesbian and transgender characters. And Disney, evil corporation though it may be, is the most overtly homo-happy company there is. If I were to have taken that poll, Disney would have been the first name to trip from my tongue.

So, really, it seems to me that Bravo has been promoting itself pretty hard. (As opposed to Disney stepping back a bit.) No doubt, Andy "Chest Hair Forward" Cohen had something to do with that. But, again, that's another post for another time.

*If you don't know about Past Deadline, I suggest you familiarize yourself with it right quick. Unfortunately, Ray Richmond doesn't post as much as he used to, but when he does, it's hilarious and insightful. Barry Garron is pretty entertaining, as well, but Ray really is the king.